All rise for the Honorable Chairman.
The name's Chairman. The, Chairman.
What a great Thanksgiving break I had. Not only did my mommy make a tasty turducken with all the fixin's, but I feel asleep at the ripe old hour of 1 p.m. every day. Ahhh. it's the little things.
Actually, the most exciting part of my Thanksgiving break came when I was finally able to stroll over to my local theater and witness the sheer domination of the latest in a recently reborn film franchise: James Bond in "Quantum of Solace."
Now I know some of you love to criticize the Bond movies for their sappy romantic moments and gratuitous feminist overtones, but I think that the last one was, well, in a word, pretty darn swell.
For those of you who have not seen "Quantum of Solace," rest assured that you are absolutely missing out. You have no excuse for sleepwalking through your daily routine without having seen this masterpiece of modern cinema. Never have I seen so much action, so much excitement or so much hydrogen packed into one movie. It inspired me to be a better man. and lose about 35 pounds so I can succeed Daniel Craig as the title character.
After seeing how sweet DC looked as everyone's favorite international superspy, I got to thinking who at Duke would come closest to double-0 status on this campus. He or she would have to be suave, debonair and have an intimate knowledge of the game of baccarat. Fortunately, thanks to PHYSED 132 (Intro to Baccarat), many Duke personalities now fit these criteria. As there are so many potential Bond proxies, from administrators and staff to students and faculty, I submit to you, my beloved readers, a preliminary list of possible 007s on Duke's campus.
David Cutcliffe: Despite dropping its last game to those hated Tar Holes, Duke football has done a lot with a little this season, and much of that success is attributable to Cutcliffe. So the team didn't make a bowl this year... you can't win 'em all. Just look at "Casino Royale". it takes a little time before Bond can foil a multinational terror syndicate and keep his true love alive.
Sunny Kantha: When DSG does anything, good or bad, the president gets all the press. Sunny consistently flies under the radar while providing the brains behind each student government decision. Also, word on the street is he has quite a way with the ladies.
Reynolds Price: Bond is, above all else, smart. Price is smart. Really smart. I mean, really. Freakin'. Smart. He probably would've written the first Bond novel if Ian Fleming hadn't thought of it first.
Peter Lange: Couldn't you just see him foiling Batman's plans at every turn, along with his mighty penguin army? Oh, sorry, wrong franchise.
The Chick-Fil-A Ladies: License to kill? No. License to grill? Oh yeah.
James B. Duke: Everyone thinks he's dead. Everyone thought Bond was dead once, too. Remember "You Only Live Twice?" Big mistake.
So, my friends, on this Monday after Thanksgiving, I would like to give thanks for all of these great difference-makers on Duke's campus. Without you, Duke would be. well, I don't do hypotheticals.
Finally, in the spirit of the holiday, there is one more thing for which I feel the need to give thanks. It is the tremendous ability I've had to write this column for you each and every week. I feel very blessed that The Chronicle screwed up its column application process badly enough to allow me entry into these pages. Suckers.
Now, if you've been following the carefully placed clues I've left in every column thus far, you should already know my true identity. However, if you did not see either of the "National Treasure" movies, I guess you'll have to wait till next week.
The answer may surprise some of you. I mean who could have predicted that I was a junior Baldwin Scholar living in Crowell CC?
Oops.
Meeting adjourned.
THE CHAIRMAN can't believe her editors kept that last part in there. Way to ruin the surprise.
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