The following conversation takes place on Dec. 16, 2008, in the Oval Office. It is recorded by a taping device placed there by Richard Nixon, Law '37, which subsequent presidents forgot to remove. Please don't ask how it can pick up both sides of a phone conversation.
President George W. Bush: ...But I have this meeting with the Lithuanian ambassador in 10 minutes. Feel free to look around the office a bit, figure out how you want it decorated.
President-Elect Barack Obama: Thank you, Mr. President.
Bush: Heh heh heh.
[door opens, shuts; cell phone rings]
Obama: Hello?
Female Voice: Barack, are you alone?
Obama: Who is this?
Female Voice: You know who this is.
Obama: Oh, right. Listen, Oprah, I never got the chance to thank you, what with...
Oprah: You have the chance to thank me now.
Obama: Excuse me?
Oprah: Listen carefully. During the inauguration, I...
Obama: Oh, the inauguration. I have you seated in the row behind Ruth Bader Ginsburg and the Italian guy, what's-his...
Oprah: Shut up. I don't want to be in Washington. I'll have Dr. Phil give the secret signal to our followers on his show the day before. I want to be at the NORAD headquarters in Colorado Springs with the 79th Airborne, and...
Obama: Oprah, I don't think there is a 79th Airborne. I spent all day yesterday being briefed by the military, and they didn't say anything about a 79th Airborne.
Oprah: Dr. Phil didn't tell me he was at any defense briefings with you yesterday.
Obama: Why would Dr. Phil be at any defense briefings with me?
Oprah: Because you promised you would make him the next Secretary of Defense.
[pause]
Obama: Oprah, I was kidding.
Oprah: Kidding? You think I was kidding when I detailed my plan to use you to take over the world?
Obama: Well, yeah, I did.
[pause]
Oprah: Well, I wasn't. Look, we can still salvage this. I need you to get the CIA to overthrow the governments of Norway, Mongolia and Shangri-La by March.
Obama: I'm sorry to say this, but the CIA and I sort of got off on the wrong foot.... [pause] Does Shangri-La even exist?
Oprah: What do you mean, got off on the wrong foot?
Obama: I met with them last Monday, and I forgot to bring donuts.
Oprah: That's it. I'll have to go with Plan B.
Obama: What's Plan B?
Oprah: The only politician more naive than you.
Obama: You don't mean...
[Oprah hangs up; cell phone rings]
Obama: Hello?
Male Voice: Dees is Govanuh Ahnuld Schwahtzeneggah of Kah-lee-faw-nee-uh. I vould like to ahsk eef you haff any office shpace for rent in New Hampshuh or Iowa for zee year 2011 und Chanuary 2012...
Obama: I think you have the wrong number.
Arnold: Sorry.
[hangs up; sound of Obama sitting dow; sound of Obama's head pounding into Oval Office desk repeatedly; cell phone rings]
Obama: Hello?
Male Voice: Barack?
Obama: Jeremiah?
Rev. Jeremiah Wright: Do you know who's beating you in our fantasy football league?
Obama: To be honest, I haven't...
Wright: I am!
Obama: Congratu-
WRIGHT: Did you really pick the Cincinnati Bengals defense?
Obama: I think so. I didn't really...
Wright: The Bengals bombed against Pittsburgh and Jacksonville, and they allowed far more points than they did this past weekend against Washington! And now you are indignant that what they have done all season is now done to you!
Obama: I didn't see that...
Wright: The Bengals' chickens-have come home-to roost.
[pause]
Obama: I did draft Vince Young, though. He's been...
Wright: Vince Young beat my Jacksonville defense twice, and now you expect me to say "God bless Vince Young?" No, no, no! Not God bless Vince Young, Damn Vince Young! Damn Vince Young for rushing for so many innocent yards! Damn Vince Young, it's in the Bible...
Obama: I'm pretty sure the Bible doesn't mention Vince Young.
Wright: Damn Vince Young for putting me two games behind Jesse Jackson! He could have at least played like that against the Colts, the India-K. K. K.-napolis Colts...
Obama: India-K. K. K.-napolis?
Wright: ...But he choked! And Jesse's got Marvin Harrison! Marvin Harrison had the best game of his life against the Titans! I might not even beat Oprah now!
[hangs up]
Jeffrey Ditzler is a Trinity senior. His column runs every other Tuesday.
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