Holidays

Martin Luther King, Jr. was a great man. Unfortunately for Duke's administration, he wasn't the only great man in history. Except for Fall Break, Thanksgiving and Spring Break, the January holiday commemorating Dr. King is the only day Dukies get off. Memorial Day and Independence Day were only recently carved out of the summer session. Occasionally, proposals are made to commemorate other holidays the same way, with Veterans Day, Presidents Day or Good Friday among the more popular candidates. As someone who can never have too many days off, I wholeheartedly support this movement. Here are my suggestions:

Ask a Stupid Question Day (Sept. 28): This day would benefit faculty more than students, as it would celebrate many of their more obscure research topics. Was the Battle of Gettysburg the result of Robert E. Lee's unrequited gay crush on Abraham Lincoln? How would a Marxist feminist post-colonial antidisestablishmentarian critique "The Old Man and the Sea"? How is the Bush administration manipulating breakfast-cereal commercials in order to influence public opinion toward Muslims? What exactly is an "antidisestablishmentarian," anyway? Finally, the Duke community can have a day to celebrate these, uh, vital topics.

First Day of Deer Season (second Saturday in November): Forgive me for being provincial, but I don't think North Carolina does this quite as well as my native state, Pennsylvania. Back home, deer season begins on the Monday after Thanksgiving, and schools in redneck areas (such as my hometown) extend Thanksgiving Break in order to allow their students to orphan a new generation of Bambis. This is an issue of public safety; deer are as common along rural Pennsylvania highways as hung-over girls in fancy dresses are on the C-1 bus early on Saturday mornings. However, designating this as a holiday could have negative consequences; many of the young hunters in my high school developed a mysterious illness that kept them out of school for the rest of deer season.

Festivus (Dec. 23): You knew this was coming. We already have a Lithuanian day, Greek Week and Oktoberfest, so why not a Festivus for the rest of us? Many traditional Festivus customs already have a place at Duke. The Airing of Grievances, in which revelers describe how disappointed they are in each other, could feature the lacrosse bloggers and professors talking past each other. The Feats of Strength, when guests fight the head of the household, could showcase the wrestling team or serve as a forum for drunken frat boys to take out their wrath on President Richard Brodhead.

Weasel Stomping Day (June 31): Invented by that well-known cultural icon, Weird Al Yankovic, Weasel Stomping Day combines wildlife control with holiday enjoyment. All you need to do is put on a Viking helmet (come on, you've worn worse things at Tailgate), spread mayonnaise on the quad to attract weasels and start the fun. The only problem is, there aren't that many weasels in Durham, unless you count Mike Nifong (and even then, there's only one of him). With a few minor adjustments, this holiday would be the ideal method of controlling Duke's cat and squirrel populations, as well as scaring the Bryan Center raccoon away from the Armadillo Grill's dumpsters.

Boycott Gas Stations for the Heck of It Day (whenever Facebook says it is): You know the drill. Gas prices hit some obscenely high amount, and the guy who sat catty-cornered to you in Mrs. Snodgrass's AP Wood Shop class starts bombarding your Facebook account with demands that you refuse to buy gas on some date so as to send the oil companies a lesson they won't forget. Never fear, our intrepid Congress is dealing with the problem by holding hearings where they can yell at oil company executives! Brilliant! Unfortunately, that's the limit of Congress's involvement, and India and China aren't about to un-develop anytime soon, so high gas prices, accompanied by Facebook boycotts, are likely to stay on our calendar for the near future.

Jeff Ditzler is a Trinity senior. His column runs every other Tuesday.