A naked proposal

Have you noticed the sidewalks getting a little bit more crowded? Those airplane seats just not as cozy? Fast food bags slightly more prevalent than they used to be? Less kids out on the playground?

America is fat. In 2004, two-thirds of Americans were overweight. By 2007, 49 states had obesity rates over 20 percent, and a majority of states had more than 25 percent of its population categorized as obese. Compare this to the data from just ten years before, when only three states had obesity rates of higher than 20 percent.

Old news. We've heard this one already. Quit eating the dollar-menu hamburgers, go run a little bit and everything will be OK.

But these instructions are not being adhered to. We know that greasy food combined with inactivity makes us fat. We know that we should hit the gym a few times a week. We know that we don't even have to go overboard to achieve a healthy lifestyle. Yet to no avail.

So, in the face of this epidemic, I propose a drastic plan. Ladies and gentlemen of America, it is time to get it on.

Sex. Sex can incorporate so many aspects of cardiovascular exercise and weight training that it is a tool we cannot afford to overlook. Stamina and endurance, or perhaps speed and quickness, are tested through the rigors of pushing, pulling, touching, lifting, rubbing, grabbing and thrusting. Talk about a calorie burn!

But why stop with the generic sexual act? Consider this the health-promoting, fat-eliminating Kama Sutra of the 21st century.

1) The Catch Me I'm Falling: Partner A stands with back to bed, bent at the hips and holding on to Partner B, who has feet on the bed and is falling toward the floor away from, while facing, Partner A. Perfect for those who can't make it out to skydiving, or a Partner B who just can't get enough of a good blood rush.

Calories burned-Partner A: 75.4, Partner B: 56

4) The Joan of Arch: Partner A forms an arch with body, back toward the ground, while Partner B kneels on the floor with head between Partner A's legs. Body armor and sword optional.

Calories burned-Partner A: 88, Partner B: 72

5) You Do the Hokey Pokey and You...: Partner A stands with back to Partner B, separated by a few feet. Yes, even abstaining will get you a work out.

Calories burned-A: 19 B: 13.6 (due to muscle mass difference, with Partner A being the larger partner)

The names of, and calories burned during, each position can be found in the "Position of the Day Playbook," written by the staff of Nerve.com. One of their editors, Sam Apple, estimates that the duration of each sexual act is somewhere around eight minutes.

But not every night is a night for love. Or maybe you have just gotten bored of the hokey pokey, but choose not to have sex. Nothing wrong with that! Squat your partner. Bench press your lover. Challenge your special friend to a pushup and crunches competition. Form a running relay team with another couple. Do whatever you need to do to combat the challenges of overwhelming obesity.

The answer isn't always in cutting calories. To attain that physically fit body, you need to become physically active and eat a full and balanced diet filled with purposeful foods rather than junk. You can even accomplish these two goals at the same time-bring some broccoli into the bedroom.

Since we can't find a way to get to the gym, or the health food aisle, maybe it's time to attack this problem in a different light. We seem to be doing fine with the baby-making, so why not give it a shot?

Elad Gross is a Trinity junior. His column runs every other Thursday.