Why I'm not giving my senior gift

At the end of your time as an undergrad, the Duke Annual Fund-the primary mechanism responsible for University fundraising-will ask each senior to give a gift of around $20 ($20.08 for this year and $20.09 for those graduating in 2009, etc.).

I refuse to accept the premise that as graduates we owe a dime to Duke. In fact, I think our diploma should come with a check for $10,000 or whatever the interest on $200,000 compounded over four years is. Beyond this, here is why I will not be giving my senior gift:

1. The Blue Zone

2. Duke has enough benches.

3. My sister still goes here.

4. My current bank balance

5. The 45 or so e-mails I have received from the Annual Fund reminding me to give my senior gift

6. The ploy they are using this year to guilt us into giving money is "iGot, iGive." Every current senior received one iPod upon arrival at the University.

Yeah, iGot an iPod-that conveniently broke one month after the warranty ran out, thereby permanently erasing all of my old music from my old computer.

So iGive... a rat's ass.

1. From May 11 until I die, I will be receiving at least two phone calls per year from the Annual Fund asking me to donate.

2. By the year 2011 my parents will have given Duke in excess of $400,000. When either my sister or I have surpassed that figure in earnings, I will reconsider my generosity.

3. Being forced to eat at the Marketplace before the food-service switch

4. The last four NCAA Tournaments...

5. Larry Moneta (just kidding)

6. Those $()*#@()# 8 cents!

7. The fact that somehow between now and graduation someone will probably successfully con/pressure/gauge-my-eyes-out into giving

8. The existence of Central Campus

9. Duke Parking: $1,500; Me: $0

10. The $3.7 million Duke wasted buying up all the houses around East Campus-effectively killing the fun.

11. Single-ply toilet paper.

In fact, if and when I do get rich and decide to donate back to this University, mark my words, that donation will stipulate that it go to providing the Blackwell Residence Hall with a permanent supply of soft and absorbent two-ply.

1. The $20.08 doesn't count toward future basketball tickets.

2. Where's my senior gift? A-holes!

3. I will consider the 88-cent donation I have heard people talking about.