Ah, St. Valentine's Day. You are indeed the double-sided dildo of American holidays-pretty much guaranteed to screw everyone.
Really, I can't think of one person who seriously looks forward to our national day of love. Well, minus restaurants, Hallmark and your local florist.
Granted, for some people the fate of this holiday is set in stone. For those in a relationship, dinner is beyond mandatory. Period.
This can lead to a whole slew of disappointment-related problems that I have little interest in elaborating on. Not to mention the pressure to, uh, perform. ("Honey, I'm so bloated.")
And then of course there is the majority of Dukies not getting any. These unfortunate souls are left either (a) desperately asking someone to dinner he would give a testicle (or about $150) to sleep with or (b) twiddling her thumbs hoping that if someone does happen to come calling, he is not completely awkward.
These cliche "single" and "taken" people are of little concern to me. What I do find interesting is how the rest of us-those stuck in the relationship purgatory that is the collegiate hookup culture-navigate Valentine's Day. With a vaguely defined relationship status, finding a date or deciding who to take becomes somewhat complex.
For guys, the questions at hand are quite perplexing: Will not taking a girl out on Valentine's Day effectively sever the current drunken sexual relationship? Do you care enough/like her enough/(what I really mean is) is the sex good enough to warrant a perceived step up in the relationship?
On the other side of the coin, is this not an amazing opportunity to close on that girl who wants to pretend she needs a relationship before you screw?
There is also the added consequence of missing out on taking advantage of potentially the ripest night of the year for capitalizing on insecure girls needing the reassurance of an opportunistic Casanova.
Decisions, decisions. Valentine's Day proves to be the sexual prisoner's dilemma from hell.
As for girls engaged in our freakishly incestuous social scene, their self-worth as a female (and overall emotional stability) is all-of-a-sudden entirely hinging on whether or not they can finagle a Valentine's Day dinner out of whatever guy is currently "parking his car in their garage."
Thus setting many up for utter disappointment, followed by binge drinking, followed by a desperate search for self-worth (read: drunken casual sex), followed by a short stint with an eating disorder. All because that guy they slept with last week opted to take a freshman out to dinner.
I concede that this may be giving men (boys?) too much credit or prowess. However, the reality remains that the gender norms of our society, and Valentine's Day itself, leave women placing far more value on this holiday than their sexual counterparts. Thus, males who are left with the decision-making power and the ability to grant status are only further empowered.
As for me, my hands were tied two weeks ago when my boss informed me that I had no choice but to work tonight. Sadly, I feel relieved, as she has unintentionally loosened Cupid's chokehold on what is just another February day.
Just remember kids, if you find yourself alone and depressed on this, the holiday of love, comfort yourself in the fact that tonight, at least your parents will be getting some.
Dan Belzer is a Trinity senior. His column runs every Thursday.
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