Zach Braff repents

I've got a clean slate. Karmically speaking I'm somewhere between a baby and a Brown resident.

If it felt like nothing fun happened at Duke this weekend, it's no coincidence. Clearly it's because me and most of the other Jews on campus left for the high holidays.

This weekend I posed as a good Jew, returning home to "celebrate" Yom Kippur. I use air quotations here because sitting through three hours of services on an empty stomach is not exactly a night on the Wannamaker Fratio.

For those who don't know, Yom Kippur is the second holiest day of the year for Jews, behind only the Academy Awards. On this holiest of days, Jews come together to repent for a year's worth of sin through one day of fasting and prayer. It's basically like a horde of pre-meds cramming at the exam review the day before their orgo final... only more intense and socially inept.

Sitting in the synagogue Saturday morning, I felt like Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense. I saw lots of Jew people. I knew there was no way God was going to be able hear me. So I decided I'd print my prayer for repentance here because I know God reads The Chronicle religiously. He loves the "Stick It!" comic strip.

Dear God,

It's ZACH BRAFF. I know it's been a long time since... what? No, I can't get you a signed photo of Natalie Portman. I'm the other ZACH BRAFF. Yes, you did a good job on her. The Jewish Jessica Alba? Yeah, that's funny, God. No, I'm not just saying that. Look, can I just get to the repenting part?

OK, before I start I just want to apologize for using your full name in print. I know I'm supposed to use the dash but I have a legacy friend we call Gad and I don't want to confuse her. But on the bright side, I figure there's no danger in your name being defiled since I'm pretty sure everyone at Duke cuts out my column and puts it up on their wall.

For the sin I have committed against thee by picking fights with taser-toting Segway cops and then running up stairs.

For the sin I have committed against thee by eating at the Marketplace. There's absolutely no reason for that.

For the sin I have committed against thee by ordering a "Hungry Guy" at Honey's complete with eggs, pancakes, bacon, sausage and hash browns and then asking the waitress if I can substitute the hash browns with a second Hungry Guy.

For the sin I have committed against thee with the bacon in that Hungry Guy.

For the sin I have committed against thee by forsaking The Good Book for the Facebook. Isn't there a Torah application?

For the sin I have committed against thee with that whole "Blue Devil" thing. I knew I was selling my soul, but I had no idea it was only worth $45,000 a year.

For the sin I have committed against thee by declaring only one major, forsaking all double majors, minors and certificates. I am the anti-Leonardo da Vinci. I do one thing, and not very well.

For the sin I have committed against thee by posting pictures of myself with alcohol on Facebook so that people will think I'm cool.

For the sin I have committed against thee by e-mailing my professors with my homework attached and then "forgetting" to attach the homework, thereby granting me at least a one-day reprieve.

For the sin I have committed against thee by renouncing the Career Fair as restrictive. I know there are boundless job opportunities for me whether I want to work in trading, investing or consulting.

For the sin I have committed against thee by pulling the stop cord on the East-West bus about five feet before the bus stop on Monday mornings so that barely conscious freshmen standing in the aisles go flying.

What? You think that's funny too? OK, nevermind.

For all these things I repent Lord. Please forgive me and write my name down in the Blackboard of life. Thanks God. See you at Satisfaction Thursday.

ZACH BRAFF and Brandon Curl insist that if this column was chanted appropriately, it should have taken you 48 minutes to read.