Tears for Fears

It is right about now that high school seniors across America are finally deciding where to go to college. They are done with applications, asking for recommendations, and waiting to hear back from schools. Regardless of where they got in, thousands of college-bound students have just completed one of the most rigorous and ruthless rites of passage we know of. Naturally, this is still a highly stressful time.

Most of these kids think that where they go to college will define who they are for the rest of their lives. My advice to these high school seniors is to relax and put things into a little perspective. After all, this is not the most important application process you will go through. College only determines who you will be in life, but what about the afterlife?

I regret to report that for the fifth year in a row, acceptance rates at Heaven have dropped. Heaven just beat out Harvard as the toughest place to get into, with less than eight percent of applicants earning admission to perpetual bliss. With so many qualified candidates, and so few spots available, only the holiest people are being granted eternal paradise. As a result, the admission criteria for Heaven has been raised considerably over the last few years. You can no longer just be a good, decent person and expect to enjoy everlasting rapture. People who were once sure bets to enter Heaven are now being waitlisted or even rejected.

"We look at a wide variety of qualities when reviewing any specific candidate," said St. Peter, director of admissions for Heaven, with an understandable holier-than-thou attitude. "A lot of people think that if you have a high MPA (miracle-performance average) or SAT (sin avoidance test) score, you are going to get in. That is not necessarily true. Although these things can only help a prospective member, we need people in Heaven who are rounded individuals," St. Peter said.

"I mean, did you at least try to convert anyone? How about your death? Was it heroic or was it kind of lame and predictable? Will people remember you? We need to weigh all of these things before granting admission," concluded St. Peter. He went on to stress how difficult it is to judge a candidate when interviews can only be conducted through a burning bush.

However, despite Heaven's high standards and great reputation, its admissions process has come under a considerable amount of fire recently. There seems to be a certain level of corruption taking place at the pearly gates. Some critics claim that St. Peter is "pulling a Duke" and letting anyone with money in. Although it is difficult to prove that this preferential treatment is happening, it may explain the newly constructed Ken Lay Rock Climbing Wall and the Saddam Hussein Smoothie Palace.

In addition, just like here at Duke, children of alumni are thought to be given a certain leg up in admissions. Thanks to the influence of his mother and father, Cain was accepted to Heaven by early decision, even though he was still under suspicion of murder. Abraham was granted admission even though he was willing to kill his own son. All this competition has forced many people into looking towards other possible salvations. The elderly community has become increasingly desperate in hopes of finding some sort of peace after death.

"I'd love to go to heaven, but nowadays you can't be sure of anything," said Sheila Cohen, a 75-year-old grandmother from Boca Raton with terminal cancer. "I have worked really hard all my life to love and appreciate other people, to respect others, and to give back to the community. However the brutal world of afterlife admissions has forced me to make back-up plans, just in case I don't get in to where I want to."