Hopped up on diesel fumes from a fierce Monster Truck Jam, James and Joyce visited the fan-site Gravedigger.com and won the chance to host our own Monster Truck Jam. What's not to like about trucks with 540cc engines crushing cars under their giant wheels of vengeance? Here's how we see Duke Monster Trucking it out:
Trinity vs. Pratt
T-Wreqs vs. Teer It Down
The larger of the two, T-Wreqs is powerful but burdened under all that extra knowledge. It's fueled by the prospect of unemployment and hopes of saving the world.
On the other hand, Pratt's Teer it Down is fueled by plutonium-239. Who needs a great name when you have great power? In fact, Pratt's machine is remotely controlled, and after demolishing its opponent TID is scheduled to fly to Mars on an exploratory mission to find a cure for cancer. It's a good thing Trinity is used to having its dreams crushed by the real world.
Nicholas School vs. Fuqua
The Green Machine vs. The Robber Baron
The Green Machine is a hybrid that runs on grass byproducts, wasted petitions to save the sea-otter and a secret herbal ingredient. The fumes from the truck are rendering the business students soporific and inexplicably hungry. The Robber Baron, running on thousands of business cards, is schmoozing with some of the other trucks in the arena. One of the trucks has been hired to take The Green Machine down, in exchange for a fixed income job at Goldman. Well played Robber Baron, you sure know how to grease those palms.
Scholars vs. Non-Scholars
Free-Rider vs. Loan Ranger
Escorted by the head of the Monster Truck Racing Federation, Free-Rider took its place on a gilded podium at the center of the ring. After years of being told "You're the best monster truck there is!" Free-Rider has developed quite the strut.
Thirty minutes later, Loan Ranger finally arrived in the arena. It cited a lack of funding, research, mentors, personal assistants and embossed stationery as its reason for the delay.
Free-Rider won the first round by a landslide, earning itself a free-trip to Protect the Yurts of Mongolia. Angered that Free-Rider already had a prepared trip to Open a Fertility Clinic in India, the Loan Ranger made a sad and desperate attempt to ram the Free-Rider off the track. But before it could complete the turn, seven Duke officials stepped in to personally foil the attack. It was obvious that the Loan Ranger was too ill-equipped to navigate the bumpy terrain. Recognizing this injustice and inequality, the Monster Truck Administration has agreed to even the playing field using a $30-million pail and spade.
Conservative Students vs. Liberal Professors
God is My Co-Pilot vs. Categorical Impaler
The Categorical Impaler is fueled by locally produced and fairly traded coffee but doesn't seem to be running. It's projecting a message on the JumboTron: if all the monster trucks in the world crush cars, is there a universal rule compelling me to crush cars? Do cars have feelings or is that an anthropomorphic projection? If a monster truck wrecks a car in the middle of the forest, and no one witnesses it, is the car still wrecked? Will rhetoric and metaphysical thought aid me in this battle?
GIMC-P, meanwhile, has demanded fair grading practices, namely "A"s. The two are just revving their engines and blowing off exhaust fumes. Indeed, the fumes are contaminating the forest and killing all life. We may have to bring out the tractor pulls for this one, because it's unlikely that we will see any movement from either side.
Greek vs. Non-Greek
Alpha Lambda Epsilon (ALE) vs. The Silent Majority
We would try and describe ALE but it looks like every other Greek Monster Truck out there. We're sorry, the Greeks are offended: they want us to inform you that ALE not only has a higher GPA than The Silent Majority but also does community service. The Greeks chose to go alcoholic with their fuel and filled their truck up with methanol and ethanol. Following in their footsteps, the Non-Greeks went with alcohol, but didn't put nearly as much in the tank. Since it's running dry The Silent Majority has gone over to ALE and is siphoning off some free fuel from it. The Majority seems to be enjoying this even though it's loudly complaining about how lame ALE is.
James and Joyce plan to shave their heads in an act of solidarity. Jessica Ballou and Suparna Salil bemoan the demise of the trucker hat.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.