We, James and Joyce, met in LIT 299S: Self-Absorbed European Authors of the 20th Century, where we bonded over our love of Ulysses and hatred for all things Marcel Valentin-Louis-Eugène-Georges Proust. Pretentious snob. We can't imagine a sadder existence than being the pre-emininent Proust scholar in the world, except maybe being the second most pre-eminent Proust scholar.
After Winter Break, we found ourselves incapable of discussing anything remotely erudite. Our discussion of Pride and Prejudice degenerated from the Jane Austen novel to the BBC mini-series, before bottoming out with the Keira Knightly ignominy. And with that, we present the following journey: James and Joyce's 12 Steps to Beating Our TV Addiction.
Step 1: Admitting we have a problem
Our con law professor asked us "Why would you want the Constitution to protect civil rights?" James panicked immediately-"We can't have civil rights. Then Jack Bauer won't be able to torture the terrorists and stop them from releasing 'The Virus,' and people are dying and we won't be able to stop it!"
Joyce reminded him not to worry because in 24 hours it would all be okay. Our professor wasn't thrilled. That's why we enrolled in online rehab at Stop-Curling-Into-A-Fetal-Position-Every-Time-Someone-Takes-The-Remote-Away.com.
Step 2: Believing in a power greater than ourselves.
We had worshipped the twin gods of TiVo and Slate.com, but our sponsors made us apostatize. This was going to be harder than we thought.
Steps 3 and 4 went by in a haze of pain, as we were cut off from TV cold turkey.
Step 5: Admitting our wrongs.
We recognized it was wrong for James to try to perform an emergency tracheotomy in a restaurant with a straw. To be fair to him, he saw a butterfly land on the table, which reminded him of how plants suck water through capillary action. Then he noticed the man choking, looked at his straw, and the solution was obvious: tracheotomy.
Joyce's crime was simple but egregious. She tried out for Canadian Idol-hosted by Ben Mulroney, Trinity '93. She was quickly exposed as an infiltrator when she began to sing the national anthem as "Eh, Canada!" (Honest mistake, really).
Steps 6 and 7: Dear God, it's me, James and Joyce. Please make this stop.
Steps 8 and 9: Make amends to the people we have harmed.
Sorry Mom and Dad for telling you that our subscription to US Weekly was a C2K requirement. Sorry also for enrolling in the FVD certificate to satisfy my habit. Sorry to the GA freshmen for insisting that it's not Gilbert-Addoms, but Gilberrrrrrrrrrrr-Addoms, and then laughing maniacally (our good friend Stephen Colberrrrrrrrrrrr thanked us for the extra publicity).
Step 10: Continue to admit we're wrong every time someone points it out.
So our sponsors pointed out that Stephen Colberrrrrrr didn't actually thank us. But we know he would have. We took the criticism well because like all Duke students we know our sponsors criticize us because they're jealous. They probably went to UNC, or God forbid, N.C. State. (James and Joyce included that gratuitous quip to pander to the masses).
Step 11: Prayer and meditation.
This step involved spurning mass media and gorging on Ravi Shankar and Deepak Chopra. Ommmmmmmmmm.
Step 12: Share our journey.
Helloooooooooooooooo, Duke!
As the final step of rehab, our sponsors have requested that we do the public a service and "share our journey." To this end, we figured we could don black robes and tramp silently around West Campus. Since Joyce was excluded from such fraternal activities, we decided to hijack this spot on the op-ed page. But only after the editors foiled our plan to be featured next to the Sudoku.
James and Joyce have been warned against relapse. Jessica Ballou and Suparna Salil are still on Step 1.
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