I thank the sweet lord every morning I go to Duke. It is a privilege to attend such a prestigious University that presents me with access to most anything I could ask for. And I promise that no matter your interest, Duke will be a gateway for you too.
In the mood to watch some first class athletics at no cost? You need only walk down the street for that.
A fan of The New York Times? Why not take a class taught by columnist David Brooks?
Enjoy looking at sexy people? They got that, too. The sexiest, in fact. Professor Erich Jarvis is this year's Sexiest Researcher, according to the all-knowing minds of People Magazine.
Now, after learning this, I immediately google imaged this guy to get my own feel for him, and you know what? I was a little disappointed. From what I saw, he resembles David Blaine with a short afro. Ironically enough, The Chronicle reports that he also enjoys "performing magic, songbird vocalization research and salsa dancing." Damn, maybe he is sexy after all.
But of all the exposure we've received, all the famous professors and performers and speakers, I would argue that the most significant, most influential presence on this campus is on his way. Today, Duke University will play host to one of the great actors/performers of this or any generation: Kumar.
That's right. The star of the epoch Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle and Van Wilder will be here, imparting his wisdom to a very fortunate few, hopefully including yours truly. And you best believe I'll be taking notes.
In fact, I've even scribbled down some preliminary ideas for potential questions. I don't want to have them entirely pre-made, as I would prefer to simply let his aura strike my creative juices in the heat of the moment, but I'll probably ask something along the lines of, "what inspired your performance for the scene in Harold and Kumar where you shaved your privates to make your junk look bigger?" and, "how difficult was it working in a hostile environment with an animal co-star, such as the scene in Van Wilder where you were forced to pleasure a dog for a prank?"
The possibilities are endless. I'm giddy.
So, in honor of our distinguished speaker, I will now use famous quotations from Kumar's movies in order to vent about things I'm annoyed with at the moment, in the Morning Wood version of "You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?"
"What kind of hippie am I? Man, I'm a business hippie, I understand the concept of supply and demand." -H and K
Supply and demand, a fairly simple economic concept. I got a B+ in Econ 1, so I'm confident in my knowledge of the theory. Supply goes up, demand goes down, more or less. When I look around campus, I notice a high supply of one commodity, indigenous to the highlands of Ethiopia: coffee.
And yet with all this coffee around, apparently there's still room for a Starbucks in the Bryan Center.
I'm pretty sure that there are at least a half dozen places to get coffee IN the Bryan Center already. Hasn't anyone who makes these kinds of decisions heard the stories of the Starbucks influence? Haven't they ever seen South Park? It's an f-ing cult. All their global blends are actually just laced with nicotine. That's why they're able to charge such absurd prices and keep'm coming back. The customers are addicted.
And unlike the uplifting jams at such hotspots as Alpine, I hear the mixes at Starbucks will haunt your dreams. I'm not trying to mess with no demonic noises haunting my dreams.
One of my friends was telling me stories of working on his ranch the other day. He said that one time they had a problem with wild pigs messing with the vegetation. Instead of heartlessly killing the animals, they decided instead to just simply stop them from multiplying. Thus, he was forced to barrel roll out of a Jeep and tackle these wild pigs on the move. He then had to flip them and slice away their reproductive abilities with a giant knife pulled from his sock.
The squeals, he said, haunted his dreams for weeks, and he struggled to sleep. So next time you decide to go to Starbucks, I hope you too hear the squeals of the pigs. I hope you hear the squeals, and then turn and leave.
"We're not low" -H and K
As first reported by The Chronicle in Thursday's paper, some Duke students to drugs, but not all. Who'd a thunk it?
I wish I had some kind of authority figure to ask about this situation. Someone with influence and grace. Someone with extensive knowledge on the subject. Someone like. Kumar.
Ahhh, Duke. You've opened the world to me again!
The Morning Wood misunderstood the term "Semi-formal" over the weekend, and it was quite embarrassing. Tom Segal can't believe how much better the Tarheels are than us.
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