Last night, during a short break from thinking about starting to study for finals, I contemplated doing something that would drastically change my life. I knew it would be for the best, and yet when the time came to pull the trigger, I froze up. I couldn't do it. My mind went blank, and I my fingers started shaking.
I quickly slammed my laptop shut and took in a deep, crestfallen breath. I couldn't do it. I had failed myself, admitted defeat. I tried so hard... but I just couldn't deactivate my Facebook account.
Why? Why do I care that the girl from my English class joined the group Duke Girls With Smokin' Hot Bodies? Why do I giggle like a school girl when I read new wall posts? Why is it that anytime I'm down in the dumps, a new friend request always cheers me up? That's not a good thing. It's sick. It's an illness, a mental trap that has grabbed hold of us all.
Yes, Facebook has its advantages. It allows you to show off a great hook up. It allows you to make fun of others for a bad hook up... Come to think of it, that's about all it's really good for. The rest of it is garbage. If you want to know my interests, or you want to write something on my wall, then come talk to me you anti-social jackass. If you go to a different school, pick up the damn phone.
Now, I admit that I am being very hypocritical. Heck, I've spent more time on facebook this semester than I have doing work. Unquestionably, I'd say. But that's part of the problem. Deep down, everyone knows facebook is bulls-, that it does more harm than good. So why do we keep doing it?
Because we're weak. Minus the six people at Duke who are currently not on Facebook, we are all too weak to escape Mark Zuckerberg's talons, alone anyway.
But together we can do it. LET'S FIGHT THE MAN. I always wanted to have some Kent State-esque riot on campus, minus the deaths. Not that I want mass hysteria, I just want to be part of a statement that leads to change for the better. Well, this is our chance. We live in the age of the web, so perhaps our battle should be an online one.
I plead with you, fellow Devils. We're a leading University in the world. People look up to us and even emulate us. We have the power to make a change. I say we all give it up, together.
Imagine, a mass facebook exodus. Everyone would be talking about it, and in the end, it will do more good than harm. And it would bring us all closer together, for the next time you want to know someone's interests, you won't just check out their groups. You'll ask them.
And so, today, I publicly announce my resignation as a member of the Facebook community. I think it's time to give it up. I hope for the good of us all that I am not the only one.
On another note, this is my final column for the Chronic(le). So before I go, I have a couple things to say.
President Brodhead, where the f- are you? I mean that literally.
Where is the man? Last year, he was out and about all the time. I couldn't go three days without an awkward encounter with Dick on the quad. And you know what? I loved it. I may not like how he's handled the lax situation, but I love the man. I could listen to him speak for hours.
Oh, he is quite witty and knowledgeable, but that's not why I love him. It's the voice. How do you describe that voice to someone who's never heard it before? It's like a sophisticated sounding Ernie from Sesame Street, I guess.
Whatever it is, it gets me every time.
That's why I'm worried. Our campus needs his presence. We needed it last spring; how is this semester any different? The media's gone, so it's not like he's ducking reporters everyday or anything. I feel like I'm gonna trip over some small bunker in the Duke forest and find a scruffy Brodhead camped out a la Saddam or something. What are you hiding from, Dick?
One more thing. It's finals week, as you all know. Interesting, because I thought that the last classes were last Friday. In my calculations, that gives us a grand total of zero days of study period. I'm told that the actual study period is Monday, from nine to 12. What percent of the campus will be studying at those hours? I don't plan on waking up 'til three myself.
This is just one of many small things around this campus that needs some changing, but who up there is listening? As the great Shane Botwin once said, "you all must understand that there are motherfing snakes on the motherf-ing plane."
The Morning Wood will be going limp for good. Tom Segal has appreciated all the hate mail, death threats and naked pictures he's received this semester.
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