Note: Before this season, current Indiana coach Kelvin Sampson was the head man at Oklahoma. From 2000-2004, members of Sampson's staff made 577 extra phone calls to recruits. Sampson himself made 233 of those calls. As a result, he was banned from making any phone calls to recruits or recruiting off campus for a period of two years. Luckily, he can still communicate with recruits by e-mail or text message. The following is an (entirely fictional and completely made up) account of a text message conversation between me and Kelvin Sampson (because, you know, he's so good at typing on a small keypad with just his thumbs now).
Me: Hey, Coach Sampson.
Kelvin: Hey alex
Me: So. I bet you're getting a lot of practice text messaging and IM'ing and stuff.
Kelvin: LOL. i definitely am. i haven't heard the sound of my own voice in weeks, but my thumbs are ripped. i've never been so good at opening pickle jars or playing tecmo super bowl. ROTFL! plus, now i'm down with the facebook or the myspace or whatever you kids call it. i'm communicating with my wife and kids exclusively through text messages, too. i even threw away my office phone. never know when you might slip up and accidentally make 200 impermissible phone calls to recruits.... 0:-)
Me: Yeah, whatever you say, man. So how exactly did you go about making 233 illegal phone calls and completely overlooking another 344 by your assistants?
Kelvin: so i made a few phone calls: shoot me. it's not like i paid my players or anything.
Me: Well, I just thought it was funny that you were president of the National Association of Basketball Coaches and presided over the required "Ethics Summit" in 2003 while you were making all those phone calls. Especially since improper calls were identified as a serious issue at that very summit. I bet the next NABC meeting's going to be pretty awkward, huh?
Kelvin: next question. >:-<
Me: Okay, okay. They say that being the head coach at Indiana was your dream job. How has it been so far?
Kelvin: gr8! bloomington's got a lot going for it, even though its in the middle of nowhere (and i cant exactly name anything it has going for it). and those famously racially-tolerant Hoosier fans have really been behind me all the way.
Me: I'm glad you've reached such a good place in your life. But aren't you worried that the Cameron Crazies are really going to let you have it on Tuesday? I mean, you're giving them a lot of ammo. After you stole Eric Gordon from Illinois (okay fine, after he backed out of his verbal commitment and you were just waiting to swoop him up), some bloggers called you Satan's Spawn.
Kelvin: they can call me whatever they want. i dont care. they can make fun of me for those phone calls, the eric gordon thing, the fact that my career record in the tournament is only 11-12 or the fact that eight of those tournament losses are to lower seeded teams. i dont care. im past all that.
Me: But doesn't it upset you a little bit that you threw your old school under the bus? Oklahoma has scholarship limits for the next two seasons because of what you and your staff did.
Kelvin: that's their problem. now that i'm at indiana, ive got to be on the straight and narrow. this program hasnt had any major violations in 46 years. i figure i can trade extra phone calls for throwing chairs and choking players, which i'm working on.
Me: Bobby Knight's Indiana program may have had its flaws, but it is still known for graduating players. Your Oklahoma program was known for not graduating players.
Kelvin: JK, JK! ROTFLMAO!
Me: Mr. Sampson, that wasn't a response. That was just text message shorthand.
Kelvin: IDK, IMHO, WWJD?
Me: Whatever.
Kelvin: I g2g, L8R. see you 2nite.
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