Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the most stupendous, most resplendent, most beautacious, most splendiferous, most spectabulous, most unbelievable, most exquisital, most majestic, fantastic and fantabulistical spectacle in the history of Duke University.
In the blue corner, the Tycoon of the Tomahawk, the Deacon of the Dunk, the Caliph of the Close-Range Shot and the Sultan of Slam: Josh McRoberts!
And in the white corner, the Honcho of Height, the Boss of the Brobdignagian, the Ruler of Really Tall, the Czar of the Seventh Foot and the Baron of the Baby Hook: Brian Zoubek!
Welcome, in short, to McRoberts-Zoubek I, coming soon (I hope) to a Duke Basketball practice near you.
Anyone who was at the Blue-White Scrimmage saw the intensity between McRoberts and Zoubek. Elbows were flying, limbs were tangled, seven-foot bodies were sprawled on the floor-I could've sworn I heard Jay Bilas yell, "My God those two are long! And BOUNCY!" (Somewhere, Hubie Brown just said, "Tremendous upside potential, just tremendous.")
If there weren't more than 9,000 fans in the stands, they might've actually started pushing and shoving, or even punching.
And that would've been spectacular.
First of all, you've got the unintentional comedy factor. McRoberts is pretty athletic, and maybe he'd actually be pretty good in a fistfight. But Zoubek would probably look like a cross between Ivan Drago and that hairy, seven-foot Russian guy who just became heavyweight champion. McRoberts would have to yell "ADRIAN!" to complete the effect.
(Note: I'm not hating on Zoubek, and I definitely wouldn't want to get into a physical confrontation with him myself. This is just what columnists do: Rip on guys that could probably body-slam us through a table one-handed while polishing off a pastrami-on-rye and watching Gilmore Girls re-runs on the CW.)
Imagine the two of them pawing at each other. With wingspans like they have (thanks Jay!), they'd be able to fight from opposite sides of the lane. And who's going to step between them? DeMarcus Nelson looks like he could handle both of them, but if I were him, I'd be laughing way too hard. Maybe Jamal Boykin would do it-he's a pretty big kid, and he definitely seems earnest enough.
I honestly think I'd pay to see McRoberts-Zoubek on pay-per-view.
Hey, if either of them doesn't make the NBA, he should put that Duke degree to work organizing the BMFL-Big-Man Fighting League. Shawn Bradley vs. Jim McIlvane would easily be worth $50 on pay-per-view to me, as long as Luke Schenscher-Wang Zhizhi and Eric Montross-Will Perdue were on the undercard. Pete Newell, big-man extraordinaire, could even be the referee and the aforementioned Bilas and Brown could do the television commentary.
But anyway, beyond the unintentional comedy aspect of McRoberts-Zoubek, a fight between the two big men might be the best thing that could happen to Duke Basketball this season. I have no clue if McRoberts and Zoubek are friends off the court, but on the court, I want them to keep going after each other like Ali-Frazier. I want them to look like a couple of seven-foot dachshunds fighting over the last piece of bacon every single day.
The main beneficiary is going to be McRoberts. Zoubek's 27 points in the Blue-White game might have been impressive, but the intensity and hustle McRoberts showed is going to be what the Blue Devils really need this season. I'm not saying McRoberts didn't play hard last season, but this year, he's going to be the guy who sets the tone for the whole team. He has to play the hardest.
Zoubek is the Rudy Ruettiger character in this whole equation (though that doesn't do justice to his considerable talents). If he's scrapping every practice, McRoberts is going to have to scrap right back (like when they were matched up during the first half of Blue-White) to avoid being embarrassed. And if captain McRoberts is scrapping, then everyone's going to be scrapping.
If you ask Coach K, he'll tell you that his 1991 and 1992 teams had some of the roughest, most competitive practices he's ever seen. If you ask me, it's no coincidence that those teams won back-to-back championships.
So fight on McRoberts and Zoubek. At the very least, it's great practice for the BMFL. (Coming soon to an arena, roller-skating rink or barn near you!)
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