When you call the Duke Football office, a lady picks up the phone and says "It's a great day at Duke Football. How can I help you?"
At least, that's what they say on Monday, which might actually be a great day for Duke Football. After all, on Monday, Duke is two days removed from losing by 20 and four days away from losing by 20 again. So that's nice.
Plus, Monday is the day of head coach Ted Roof's weekly media luncheon, which, while never stellar, has yet to make me feel sick to my stomach. Which is more than I can say for Duke Football.
(Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week. Make sure you tip your waitresses, okay?)
Anyway, I've never tried calling on a Saturday. I really hope they don't say "It's a great day at Duke Football" on game day. I mean, there hasn't been a great Duke Football Saturday for 18 straight Saturdays-though there have been some pretty great Tailgates, which technically only happen on Duke Football Saturdays. Not that 70 percent of the Tailgaters would know that.
(It's really too bad the players don't get to go. They're really missing out. Former tight end Andy Roland really looked like he enjoyed himself at the Homecoming Tailgate-even though just about no one recognized him. One of my friends called him Fred, mixing him up with a current offensive lineman. If I were him, I probably would've started freaking out and yelling, "Come on, guys! I'm Andy Roland, damnit! I was a Mackey Award finalist! People love me!")
The receptionist should probably just answer the phone by saying, "We're probably down by 30 already. How can I help you?"
It doesn't roll off the tongue as well, and it's probably pretty repellent to potential recruits, but it's true. And that's what counts.
In any case, ten-twelfths of the way through the Anti-Train's journey to the bottom of the steep, steep slope of a perfectly imperfect 0-12 season, we're still skidding along. But anyone who's been sober enough to see at a Duke Football game knows that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, or one of those beam-me-up-Scotty things at the bottom of the slope.
(As a side note, I'm doing this now because there's no shot I'm writing about Duke Football again this year, unless the team beats both Georgia Tech and North Carolina. Come on, it's basketball season already.)
For one thing, this Duke team is exceptionally young. Next year, just about every contributor, especially on offense, should be back. Quarterback Thaddeus Lewis will be a year older, and his sometimes brilliant, sometimes inconsistent play will be brilliant more often. Running back Justin Boyle and his luxuriant, flowing locks will return, as will Re'quan Boyette, Ronnie Drummer and Clifford Harris. Wideouts Jomar Wright, Eron Riley, Raphael Chestnut (easily the team's best name) and Marcus Jones shouldn't be going anywhere.
Most importantly, after years of consistent turnover on the offensive line, Cameron Goldberg, Zach Maurides, Matt Rumsey, Rob Schirmann and Fred Roland all have at least one more year of eligibility.
A defense that has looked very good (sometimes) returns six of 11 starters, though cornerback John Talley, one of the best players to come through Duke in recent memory, will be hard to replace.
Second, there have been times when the Blue Devils have looked damn good this season. A fantastic fourth quarter had them this close to beating Miami; they hung 21 on Vanderbilt in the fourth quarter; and they stuck with No. 22 Boston College for three quarters. And it's not like they're doing it with tricks and tomfoolery either. They're running the ball well, completing passes and keeping the top buttons of their collared shirts unbuttoned (thanks, Coach Roof!).
Lastly, Roof and his players will tell you that there's no quit in this team, that they believe they will succeed eventually. You can see their hustle on almost every play. They might miss tackles, but the rest of the team flies to the ball. They might get cleared out of a Mac-truck-wide hole, but they always try to chase the running back down.
In the fourth quarter against BC, with the game all but decided, linebacker Codey Lowe rushed the quarterback, then turned around and chased down the Eagles' tight end. He forced a fumble on the play, which the Blue Devils (of course) knocked out of bounds. If I were a kindergarten teacher, I would've given him a gold star for effort.
The net result of all this is that no enterprising Chronicle columnist is going to have to write about The Anti-18-Wheeler or something next year, because Roof has the program moving in the right direction.
Hey, if Rutgers has a shot at the BCS and Florida State can get blown out by Wake Forest at home, there's nothing in this world that's impossible.
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