I, like many others, have a plan to make Duke better, and since I don't have too sexy a vocabulary, I figured I'd just steal someone else's intro and get to the meaty part.
So, without further ado, MY plan for making Duke not suck as much as it does.
1.Eliminate the cats.
No one knows where these cats come from, but they're all over the place. What do they eat? Do they sleep in the water pipes or the tunnels? Is there an old woman living in a shack tucked away deep in the forests performing voodoo magic on unsuspecting Duke students, all the while using these little demons as her minions to do her bidding?
They're an eyesore and they're not even friendly. If you were a stray cat barely clinging to an existence, could you really afford to be such a bitch to nice people with warm homes and plentiful food? Guess it's no wonder they congregate in Edens.
I propose we utilize our greatest advantage over the cats to bring them down: our castle-like architecture. Most buildings seem to possess some of those vertical holes near the roof where archers could fire at will with little danger of being hurt. We could snipe these cats without them even knowing what happened.
2.Open an Alcohol Delivery Service on points
Now, this might seem like a bad idea at first glance, but give it some more thought. This service would do more good than harm.
First of all, this would eliminate off-campus drinking problems. If kids could get alcohol on points, they'd be way too drunk in their own dorm rooms to be able to drink off campus. There'd be little incentive to do so. Plus, with alcohol on points, the quality of drinks around campus would drastically improve. Goodbye Aristocrat and Busch, hello Grey Goose and Corona!
Second of all, if we have any prayer of keeping up with the Harvards of the world in terms of recruiting potential applicants, we gotta get creative. Delivery booze is an innovative program that will undoubtedly be copied. Who would pass that up?
3.Take away the ban on having strippers on campus
This rule makes absolutely no sense. The whole incident occurred off campus, didn't it? Why don't they just stick with the rule "no raping girls?" That sounds reasonable.
Listen, administration. I waited 18 loooong years of my life to be able to pay a girl to strip in front of me as I watch Grey's Anatomy with a pint of Ben and Jerry's while fondling myself. I'm an adult, damn it, and I deserve to be treated as such.
And do you know who is being hurt the most by this? That's right, the strippers themselves. They don't deserve this hate. It's as if the University is associating Adult Entertainment with Evil. That's not fair. Evil is censoring a man's right to some naked breasts in his face when he has good, clean money to pay for it.
Believe it or not, not all strippers are drunken liars. Hard to believe, but true. Didn't Julia Roberts used to be a hooker? Now look at her.
4.Get rid of RCs.
Come on, Duke, you accept us into your institution to study Biochemical Engineering and Chinese and stuff, but you can't trust us to live on our own. I know that RCs do something, but in reality, they do nothing. There's no way that one small office couldn't handle all the work that the RCs do without having to live in the dorms.
Plus, there's a whole dilemma that the administration doesn't think about when it comes to RCs. What type of person is willing to live their life running a dorm of college kids. Though these people damn well should be just twentysomething college grads still trying to get funky before joining the real world, they're usually just bitter middle-aged dudes who take their jobs waaay too seriously and go out of their way to abuse their power over residents that are just trying to have fun.
This is college, right? College? I went to college under the pretenses that it was supposed to be fun. I always thought universities were the centers of liberal thinking, but this place has gotten so lost in politics that it forgot about fun. It should be a prereq, not a privilege. If we don't have to work to have fun, then we'll have more time to work on school, right?
Thus completes Part One of my "Making Duke Not Suck So Much" Program. Part Deux will becoming later. Until then, be easy playas. At least it's almost time for basketball.
The Morning Wood was offended by a comment made by his friend's little sister this weekend when she said he was "so veiny." Tom Segal was confused on Saturday.. Vanderbilt is a good school, and they have hot girls and a functioning offense?
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