Kim Jong Il just wants a little love. He'll even make do with a little respect. But nobody seems to want to give the little man what he wants.
"I just can't respect anybody that would really let his people starve and shrink in size as a result of malnutrition," a frank President George W. Bush said of Kim Jon Il back in 2003. Arguably defensible from an ethical, sensible standpoint, Bush's sentiments of Kim as a spoiled child (and pygmy) have mostly served to hurt the tender soul tediously tucked into tight khaki.
Starting in 2001, Bush has very publicly held fast to his opinion of Kim with a five-year refusal to hold bilateral talks with North Korea. Mistake No. 2 was probably naming North Korea to the "axis of evil," and then promptly invading its Evil triplet, comma, Iraq. Imagine the emotional damage wrought on Kim's psyche, mixed feelings of hurt (name-calling), fear (Am-I-next?) and neglect (Why-does-Sadaam-get-to-go-first?).
Devastated, Kim went straight for the big guns. The North Korean leader is doing what he has threatened to do all along, and the world is finally watching. Not really doing much, but watching. Rampant speculation about the state of Kim's sanity has resurfaced, and preexisting theories spell everything from optimism to Armageddon.
Some say Kim is a deranged madman. The descriptions are redundant, but the anecdotes are compelling. He kidnapped a South Korean director and his actress spouse back in 1978, so that they could make him movies and supplement his ever-expanding collection of classics like Rambo and James Bond flicks.
In short, there is no telling what Kim will do with his newest toys-nuclear arms.
Others describe Kim as a shrewd, Internet-savvy, modern-day Hamlet, operating under the guise of madness, equipped with a keen business understanding of his imminent extermination, should he be tempted to try anything funny. Besides the comic coif.
A third theory: I say he's misunderstood.
My claim to authority is my still-childlike mind. The man is fond of Daffy Duck cartoons and Disney movies; I feel we have a real connection. In fact, I think I speak for all of the still-young at heart, including lil' Kim, when I say there exists a simple way to stave off nuclear proliferation, and perhaps resolve the critical hostage situation in the bargain.
The hostages being 23 million long-ignored, long-starving North Koreans.
I propose the United Nations offer to deposit Kim Jong Il on a private island, complete with all the basic amenities. We'll fly in Orlovs from Russia and sushi from Japan; we'll stock his wine cellar with 10,000 bottles of Hennessy VSOP cognac. In other words, nothing about his lifestyle would have to change. We could even have tourists visit periodically, dressed as (relatively fat) "natives," to participate in a thunderous show of applause and (actual) approval right outside his balcony.
To those who would argue that my proposal is not financially feasible, I'd like to point out first, that the United States and South Korea annually spend millions to send humanitarian aid over the 38th parallel, where it is distributed at Kim Jong Il's dubious discretion. Second, what with Iraq still going on, national debt is so far gone that we might as well shoot the other foot in the name of humanity.
To those who would argue that Kim doesn't deserve a private island, I'd like to point out first, that this is a ridiculous stance, considering he currently owns a small country. An island would be a major step down. Second, there are real reasons why Kim deserves profound sympathy, preferably in the shape of the aforementioned land mass.
Imagine for a minute, the life and consequential psychological complexes suffered by Kim Jong Il. His father, Kim Il Sung, remains revered as a god by North Koreans, who keep calendar relative to the year of his birth, 1912. We silly Americans may believe we live in 2006 A.D., but Kim and I know it's really 95 Juche.
Oh, brave new world.
Not only does Kim Junior daily undergo the two-tiered trauma of being a mere mortal with a dead, yet omnipotent father, but Kim Senior's bronze Pyongyang statue stands 65 feet tall.
His son has amounted to a lousy five-foot-three, a full three inches shorter than Napoleon, as the American press so insensitively screams. In fact, Kim Junior's diminutive stature has all but forced him to build his public identity on puffy hair and platform shoes.
The taut khaki pants nobody can properly explain.
Admit it; he now holds your heart in his hands. But even with your undivided support, the question remains: Will Kim take the tropical bait, in his own best interests?
The child's answer: Yes. After all, what is it about being the leader of an anguished, malnourished, impoverished nation that makes your life worth living? It's definitely the cognac. Just don't let Bush write the proposal. And throw in all the incentives, like oceanfront property and splashier heels, and the respect Kim Jong Il deserves.
Jane Chong is a Trinity sophomore. Her column runs every Wednesday.
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