Confucius once said, in what was surely one of that great sage's most inspired moments, "Opinions are like assholes; everyone has one." Confucius, however, obviously never had the pleasure of meeting me (1).
Not to say that I suffer from any awful deformity, thank God (although maybe if I did I might merit a handicapped parking sticker) (2). No, rather, I suffer from a lack of opinions.
I can't say I ever missed them. Opinions aren't desperately needed in one's everyday life. Nor did I ever expect to miss them. I've always planned to be a lawyer, and in law, one's paid to advocate someone else's opinion, not to have opinions of one's own. But then I became a columnist.
No sooner did I begin work on the column you're now reading than I discovered the problem. Without any opinions, how is one supposed to write opinion pieces? It's a quandary indeed. But, in the absence of any opinions to write about, I'd like to mount a defense of the unopinionated life.
Of course, when I say I have no opinions, I don't mean it literally. If I had no opinions at all, you'd have reason to suspect me of being a computer. I think that listening to rap is infinitely preferable to listening to drippy rock singers whining about failed relationships that probably never existed in the first place (3), believe that Million Dollar Baby was the worst movie ever made, deplore the new facebook.com, and so forth.
However, when it comes to politics, lacrosse, greek life, gender, race, the state of tailgate or whatever else people get up in arms about around here, I have no opinions whatsoever. And I believe it's a great thing.
In the first place, emphatically opinionated people are one of the most annoying aspects of life. Every conversation with them turns into an opportunity for them to share their grossly exaggerated, one-sided views, usually on topics you couldn't care less about.
For example, every time I see my father, I'm forced to hear about how it was really a renegade wing of our government that destroyed the World Trade Center. Never mind that the idea is preposterous. What bothers me is the maniacal focus on something that has no bearing on his life. I mean, doesn't he have more important things to worry about than whether we really live in a democracy? Like, say, what's for dinner?
Second, opinions always have a way of blinding people to facts. Take the lacrosse case. Houston Baker is so sensitive to what he likes to call "violent white male athletic privilege" that he called for the dismissal of the entire team-before anyone was even indicted. On the other hand, the team's defenders portray the team as a bunch of poor innocent victims of Nifong's re-election campaign when no one has ever denied that members of the team made all kinds of vile racist remarks at the party.
Third, most opinionated people spend their time worrying about things they can't possibly do anything about. I may believe that the sky would look better if it were green instead of blue, but writing editorials about it and complaining to my friends every chance I get isn't going to change the color of the sky.
Similarly, does anyone honestly believe that by writing juvenile commentaries about how they miss their precious tailgate, they'll make it come back? We already are all stuck here; it's the outside world (particularly prospective applicants) the administration has to impress by taking measures to ensure the school isn't depicted in the media as a nerdy version of Animal House.
Therefore, I advocate apathy. After all, twenty years from now, you won't have the slightest recollection of what Duke's drinking policies were or who Larry Moneta even was, and should you get so upset by the outcome of the upcoming presidential election that you run off to Canada like you always promised you'd do if So-And-So won, I promise you you'll immediately regret it. The weather's atrocious up there.
1 Actually, these words were first uttered by Art Blakey-a famous jazz drummer. He never met me either.
2 Then again, what is the use of a parking sticker without a car?
3 Seriously, why can't these guys sing about what's really going down in their lives-groupies? (No pun intended.)
Asher Steinberg is a Trinity junior. His column runs every Thursday.
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