That was a good win Saturday, but now it's time to get down to business.
I mean, not every team's going to be as, um, Division I-AA as Richmond. It's going to take a little bit more to beat Miami or Florida State.
Hey bozo, Duke lost on Saturday. They got shut out. Did you spend the weekend in a cave with Osama?
You're kidding.
Nope.
You're telling me Duke lost to Division I-AA Richmond? Lost-to-Lafayette-and-UMass-last-year Richmond? Goofy-red-spider-on-their-helmets Richmond?
Click for related content:
Yep.
Guess we're going to have to scrap the whole idea that Duke might be competitive in football if they dropped down to Division I-AA.
Probably.
Oh boy, this is pretty bad.
You're telling me.
But it's not so bad that I don't know what to do about it.
Some of you might remember me as the man that brought you The Train (U.S. Patent No. B3946006) during basketball season last year. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the 2006 Duke Football Anti-Train. Get off it now.
Alex, have you completely lost it? The Anti-Train? To quote Reggie Bush in the fantasy football commercials: "Man, that's dumb." What are you going to tell us next, that The Anti-Train starts with a big caboose? That there's no driver? That The Anti-Train doesn't actually go on tracks, just down a steep, steep slope? That The Anti-Train doesn't have wheels or brakes?
Yep. Welcome to The Anti-Train, destination: Rock Bottom.
(Yeah, I know. The Anti-Train's a little confusing. What's an Anti-Train? If you think of a better name, let me know. Until then, it's Anti-Train. Deal with it.)
What's the next best thing to winning? Not-winning. What's the next best thing to scoring? You guessed it--not-scoring. It's a binary universe, baby. Dig it.
Don't try to tell me that tying is better than not-winning. As former Michigan State coach Duffy Daugherty once said, "A tie is like kissing your sister." Kissing your sister is gross.
Hold on. Are you actually suggesting that Duke fans should root for the Blue Devils to lose every game this year? Is this actually happening?
Losing is so negative. Let's say "not-winning," instead. Okay?
All I'm saying is that if Duke's going to be bad this year, let's go all the way. Let's be bad like no one has been bad before. If The Train was all about being the best college basketball team ever, The Anti-Train is all about being the worst college football team of all time.
In 100 years of Duke football, there has never been a Blue Devil team that played a Division I-AA opponent and didn't win a game all season. There's never even been a team that went 0-12. This team has a chance to make history.
The 1938 Iron Dukes were undefeated and unscored-upon in the regular season? So what. They lost in the Rose Bowl.
Right now, the 2006 "Rubber Dukies" are on pace to go win-less and scoreless. Talk about history-making. You're telling me you wouldn't want to tell people that you went to every Duke home game during the year they were the worst team of all time?
Look at it this way: The Anti-Train is a no-lose situation. Sure Duke might not-win every single game this year, but hey, The Anti-Train will just keep rolling. And if Duke does win, everyone's happy, because Duke won.
When you're on the anti-Train, you can come to the games, eat a fried Snickers and a frozen lemonade, and not even worry about what happens.
(Seriously, has there ever been a bad football team with better food options than Duke? Wally Wade is fantastic. Even when the game's in garbage time you can always watch the little kids jousting American Gladiators-style on the moonbounce.)
At the very least, an historically bad season would just set the scene for an awesome four-year turnaround. How cool a story will it be when the 2009 Blue Devils go from 0-12 as freshmen to the MPC Computers Bowl as seniors? Come on, it's the MPC Computers Bowl-the field is blue!
It would be almost as cool as when UNC's seniors won the 2005 National Championship in basketball after missing the tournament when they were freshmen. Except not really.
Plus, you can just ask the good folks over at LSU how well The Train turned out.
Wait a second. Is The Anti-Train just an elaborate anti-jinx?
Choo, choo?
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.