Dear Larry,
Hey, how was your summer? You sure were busy, what with planning how to make student life so much better and all! Let me be frank: you're doing a fantastic job.
I totally support canceling tailgate. Who wants to preserve Duke's second-most unique tradition and the best weekend fun? I know I hate having the opportunity to shotgun cheap beer with people I've never met and pick up freshmen girls who can barely stand.
Shutting down a University-controlled drinking environment because a few people can't handle Beast Ice was a brilliant decision. We all know a few rotten apples spoil the barrel. Who cares if kids get wasted in their rooms on Saturday, right? They shouldn't have hard alcohol in there, so if they go to the hospital, it's their fault, even if the police take 10 times longer to show up.
I'm also more than happy to move my car on Saturday. Those alumni and visitors really do need their parking spaces, even if I don't get a guaranteed place to tailgate any more. Only $250 to park in the H lot on Saturday? I'd pay $500, it's such a beautiful bus ride back.
And, besides, I'm sure the football team is happy they're going to lose the nearly 1,000 screaming fans tailgate delivers every home game. Loud, rowdy kids don't belong at college, much less at a sporting event. With such strong successes over the last few years, the team really doesn't need any extra advantages. The opponents' fans can always take care of our cheers.
I'd also like to congratulate you on a tremendously smooth move-in process this year. I personally was never hassled by any of the parking monitors--they were so compassionate and understanding--and there were always spots available to me. We didn't even need to encroach upon precious administrators' parking spots! What a disaster that could have been. Students also know exactly why the Chapel Quad parking was empty. I know I do. It makes as much sense as the exit card reader in the Allen lot.
Thankfully I never had to turn around for lack of a parking pass--who needs more than the one I was given at check-in? I can't think of a more efficient system: it shuts out perfectly those dastardly impostors we all keep hearing about. Who ever heard of kids trying to move into a dorm room they won't be living in on the campus of a school they don't attend?
Kids these days, they're so crazy. That brings up a good point: I completely agree with your overriding philosophy that, even though they are fully grown-up adults who society entrusts to make important decisions like voting and enlisting in the military, and who are obviously smart enough to attend one of the best schools in the county, college students are simply not responsible enough to control themselves.
We ought to inhibit them as much as possible, even if they drink in a much more unsafe manner. It's a beautiful plan we've formulated: Crack down on on-campus drinking, so it goes off and gets out of control, waste a cool $3.7 million buying the houses where the drinking happened to reduce negative PR and, when it comes back, crack down on fraternities again.
You're never responsible. Simply brilliant! You should be a politician. Hell, if George W. Bush can get re-elected, you could surely make it to Congress. If only Duke wouldn't be so miserable without you...
But I digress. There are some more policies for which you deserve credit. Laundry machines, for one. I'm such a big-hearted guy, I don't mind that they never work reliably, that there are always piles of clothes lying around or the snack and drink machines are always broken or ill supplied.
I know you really need the extra quarter per wash and dry, so I'll stop buying Busch Light. Every little bit helps, especially when you have such high-quality dorm rooms and furniture to maintain.
One last thing: The Plaza. What can I say? Fun will certainly be had. It was only $10 million for some extra chairs, plus that neato half-pyramid thing. And the year-long inconvenience? A tiny price to pay--I'd be more than happy to do it again; I sure got my money's worth. But I have to say, those smoke machines? I always thought you hated Beta's section.
Sincerely,
Fan Numero Uno
Jon Detzel is a Trinity junior. His column runs every other Thursday.
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