Overheard in Alpine

It's been a wild few weeks at Duke. And the women's basketball team was slightly disappointed. JACK BAUER'S BIDET didn't monopolize as much space as he usually does last week, and three open letters were omitted. So here they are:

An Oapen Letter toa the Media

Re: Proafessioanalism

Dear ESPN, CNN and Everyboady Else,

Instead oaf running around interviewing the lunatic fringe, doa an ioata of research, asshoales. It's a real credit toa yoaur hard-hitting noa-coamproamises sensatioanalism when yoau can't spell a president's name coarrectly.

Check the website,

Richard BRODhead,

SheldEn Williams

Turns out you wrote a book about Duke 18 years ago. It's called Bonfire of the Vanities.

Thanks for playing,

Charlotte Simmons

PHEW. JACK BAUER'S BIDET is glad that's out of the way. JACK has been tempted to weigh in on the Ex-Laxc scandal, but in the words of some angry families of victims of the French revolution, "too soon." So JACK went looking around campus for evidence of the "embedded white supremacy" and "white, male privilege." Couldn't find any. But JACK knows what CNN wants to see, so without further ado, JACK proudly presents:

Coversations Overheard at Duke, Slightly Modified to Be Consistent With the School's Portrayal by Psychotic Wackos and The Media, With All Apologies to the Movie Crash:

In the LSRC

Professor Quark: Mike, if you're going to show up late to class, don't show up at all.

Mike: Sorry, Dr. Q. The "whites-only" line at Alpine was moving extra slowly today.

At Bostock

A Transsexual "Guy": I think we should have unisex bathrooms.

A Dude Who Wears His Y Chromosome On His Sleeve: Why is that?

ATG: It makes me more comfortable, not having to self-identify my ambiguous gender.

ADWWHYCOHS: Yeah, but then we'd have to get rid of the separate colored bathrooms.

In Teer Basement

Ted: How'd you do on the test?

Tyrone: Okay, I guess. I studied extremely hard but had trouble with the third question.

Ted: Yeah, I just used my white male privilege and got a 98.

Susan: I would have aced it but I messed up the true/false section.

Ted: Whatever. Make me a pie and exist solely for my sexual gratification, object.

In the Admissions Office

Admissions Officer #1: Okay, so how will we get the number of applications down for the class of 2011?

Admissions Officer #2: Well, we could make white men actually fill out the application instead of checking the relevant box and being accepted summarily.

Christoph Guttentag: I think it's entirely reasonable that students must be certified scratch golfers to apply, and pass a basic yachting skills equivalency exam as a prereq for all classes.

In Social Sciences

Dan: Hey, are you gonna crash e-kegs with me later today?

Alex: Nah, I think I'm gonna hit up Campus Council's Hitlernational

At the Great Hall

Stephen: What should I get to drink with this cookie?

Nate: 2% milk. Chocolate milk is inferior based on my personally espoused hierarchy of liquids.

,b>Cameron Indoor Stadium, following Dockery's "shot II". The band begins to play the Alma Mater.

Students, singing: "Deutsch-land, Deutschland u-ber all-es!"

In Edens

Albert: Damn I have to move my car from the Blue Zone for tailgate [JACK'S note: Please don't make this an anachronism]

David: No, it's cool. All white men at this school have valets now.

On the Quad

James: Hey! Matt! What's going on? I haven't seen you in forever!

Matt: I hate minorities and think I'm better than all other people. What's up with you?

That should hold the jackals for another few days.

JACK is pleased, proud and ineffably honored to be the first Chronicle contributor to coin the "Ex-Lax"c phrase. Garver Moore finds this joke distasteful but will be collecting royalties for the use of the phrase excepting this issue of this publication. Seriously. HIDE YOURSELVES ON GOOGLE.