JACK in the mailbox

An Open Letter to Mike Nifong

Re: Le Cross Examinations

Dear Mike,

I hope this communication finds you well, floating lazily and sipping margaritas in the jury pool, defecating furiously. I am writing to remind you of my existence. Particularly:

"A lawyer who is participating or has participated in the investigation or litigation of a matter shall not make an extrajudicial statement that the lawyer knows or reasonably should know will be disseminated by means of public communication and will have a substantial likelihood of materially prejudicing an adjudicative proceeding in the matter."

More specificically, "There are, on the other hand, certain subjects that are more likely than not to have a material prejudicial effect on a proceeding, particularly when they refer to a civil matter triable to a jury, a criminal matter, or any other proceeding that could result in incarceration. These subjects relate to . . . the performance or results of any examination or test or the refusal or failure of a person to submit to an examination or test, or the identity or nature of physical evidence expected to be presented" or "any opinion as to the guilt or innocence of a defendant or suspect in a criminal case or proceeding that could result in incarceration."

Best of luck in your investigation and, perhaps more important, upcoming election. For now, don't worry about the trial-just get your face out there. Have fun on Bill O'Reilly's show. Grandstanding before your election should clearly trump a clean investigation and prosecution-who cares if a rapist walks on a technicality so long as you can get re-elected?

Much love,

I know it's fun to see your name in print and that speaking to a reporter might be the highlight of your less-than-scintillating life, but in the future try to understand that ridiculous blanket generalizations such as, "There's an embedded white supremacy here," stand a good chance of ending up on the front page of, say, ESPN.com. Remember-a lot of us hope to interact with and succeed in the real world some day. In the meantime, have fun opposing gay rights and a woman's right to choose. And if you need to taint the public perception of thousands of people to make yourself feel better, just go on ahead and scream in your pillow.

Sincerely,

The Duke Community

An Open Letter to The Media

Re: Find a new story

Dear CNN, Fox News, Talking Heads, ESPN, et. al.

Though I understand I'm at the middle of a hot topic, I implore you to stop covering me with buckets of racism while you wait for the DNA results to come back/someone to be formally charged. In addition, I meet the financial need of every student, so portraying me as being composed entirely of New England Establishment Privileged Morons with $160,000 to burn is, at best, spurious.

Bite me,

Duke

An Open Letter to the Duke University Union, Campus Council, DSG, and Administration

Re: Beer

Dear campus leaders and/or the administrators that handcuff them,

It may be tempting to say, "I expect 1,000 people to attend this event, and I would like each person to have two beers. A keg holds 150 beers, approximately, so I will need 14 kegs."

When multiple entities [students] contend for the same resource [Bud Light] you must take into account not only the total demand for the resource but also the rate at which the resource can service the demanding entities [pour time]. The line will form at the rate of entities demanding the resource minus the service time of the resource. We can either decrease the service time [use cans] or parallelize the service [multiple taps] to get the line down to an acceptable size.

In short, having 15 kegs and one bartender is like having 15 bartenders and one keg-only marginally better than no beer at all.

Remember me fondly,

Queuing theory

An Open Letter to the Office of Undergraduate Admissions

Re: A questionnaire to include in your applications

Gutten Tag!

JACK's writing to suggest a few questions you may want to ask our prospective students. JACK believes creating psychological profiles based on these questions would help alleviate the putative "white supremacy" and general d--baggery of the student population.

As girls are made of "sugar, spice, and everything nice" it will not be necessary for them to answer these questions. Also, girls that are huge *****es are generally really hot, and JACK thinks that's necessary to create a thriving student population. However, it would be instructive to examine your applicants whose composition might be more geared toward the hind-part of a juvenile canine.

1. White people are:

(a.) Just one of a myriad of colors in the palette that paints a beautiful and harmonic picture of the world

(b.) Supreme

1. Who will be paying for your tuition?

(a.) I require financial aid

(b.) My parents will be honoring their lifetime emphasis of the importance of an education by helping me get through college. Though Duke is expensive, it's worth it to them.

(c.) Unconditionally, my father, Bryce Chester Pierce Follingsworth, IV.

1. Women are:

(a.) Contributing members of society I hold as equals

(b.) Baby incubators

(c.) Objects

4 . You are from

(a.) Connecticut, the Upper East Side or Maryland

(b.) Anywhere else

5 . Where do you summer?

[Free response]

Hope this helps,

JACK BAUER'S BIDET

JACK BAUER's BIDET is all about clear dialogue, but Garver Moore still has a silver spoon in his mouth.