Tuesday, tuesday

It's that time of year again! Pretty girls abound! JACK BAUER'S BIDET thought he woke up in a gutter on Franklin Street after a characteristic pre-drop/add bender, but it was just sorority recruitment. JACK is pretty excited about Bid Nights. The best part for the older sisters is finding out which of those women you had so many "positive interactions" with turn out to be total liabilities. It's just like a lottery-except instead of you getting money, that cute guy from BME110 (ha!) you've been hitting on goes home with a freshman from the Best Damn Pledge Class Ever.[#1]

Freshwomen get to learn about their older sisters, too. JACK BAUER'S BIDET wasn't invited back to any sororities because he has social anxiety and also is a dude.[#2] But JACK has gathered some key insights by using that deep-sea drilling rig of Social Truth, facebook.com. JACK found some facebook interest groups common among each band of she-greeks:

Kappa Kappa Gamma: "Legally Blonde"

Delta Delta Delta: "Duke Girls with Smoking Bodies"

Kappa Alpha Theta: "Tequila isn't the only thing that makes my clothes fall off"

Pi Beta Phi: "Duke Hockey Booze Fest"

For freshman guys, the choice of which fraternity to join is probably less pressing. Just like sorority recruitment, though, IFC recruitment has a lot of nitpicky rules. Of course, by "nitpicky," JACK means "free." And by "rules," he means "sauce."

JACK BAUER'S BIDET understands it's hard to remember what a frat was like the next morning. Because he's your friend and also Psi Upsilon's recruitment chair, JACK went ahead and did some research. JACK hopes this will help decide between A-T-HorseshoeDoodad and Triangle-Sideways'M'-ThatWeird'O'WithALineThroughItFromThoseGuysWhoMadeTheOregonTrailOhMyGodRememberShootingABuffaloAndOnlyKeepingOneHundredPoundsOfMeatThatWasSuchCrapAndIWouldAlwaysDieOfDiptheriaSoIWouldNameMyCharacter"Poop"SoTheTombstoneWouldBeHystericalDoTheyStillMakeThatGame?:

Speaking of Beta, JACK wonders why they held their Thursday rush meeting in the Bostock stacks. Actually, JACK wonders why an 11 a.m. alarm in the library on the second day of class needed an evacuation.

JACK BAUER'S BIDET also wants the cuddly first-years to be aware of Duke's thriving selective living groups. Don't worry, JACK did the facebook ground-work for you again. JACK advises you in no uncertain terms to check out social groups Wayne Manor ("Maxwell House"), and Maxwell House ("Wayne Manor"), as well as the multicultural-themed PRISM House ("Asian Students Association," "I'm Asian and From Wisconsin" and "Duke Math League").

JACK BAUER'S BIDET is pretty sure you missed it, but The Chronicle ran a letter to the editor Friday that could go down in history as the greatest contribution to printed public discourse of all time. Not since another letter writer proclaimed that some Asian people are bad at math, disrespectful to their parents or even in jail, has such a truth been uncovered.

JACK was shocked to learn from Divinity student Andrew McIntyre about the secret aborto-centric conspiracy between "TV, the New York Times, and the National Organization for Women." An understandably alarmed JACK did some investigation and has uncovered even more disturbing and unholy alliances between lifeless objects and political extremist groups here in the Gothic Wonderland.

A deep undercover sting operation involving Maya Angelou, JACK BAUER'S BIDET and the Martin Luther King, Jr. Day Holiday revealed what many people have known in their guts: the espresso machine at the Beanery is a card-carrying Black Panther. As if that weren't enough, every microwave on campus except for the one at Subway reads the Los Angeles Times religiously and has on occasion been found on the Internet perusing Islamic fundamentalist propaganda.

JACK has trouble deciding which is more disturbing: the communist tendencies of the Blue Zone gate arms or Duke University Health System's chartering membership in the National Association for Putting Things In People That Don't Belong There For A Variety Of Reasons.

JACK BAUER'S BIDET is also saddened by reports from arctic observers of increasingly vicious feral nomadic iPods devouring the flesh from a still-living baby penguin. JACK doesn't want to alarm you with any of this information. He just wants you to know what Homeland Security has to deal with.

[#1]There is actually a Best Damn Pledge Class Ever. It is the Ohio State Zeta Tau Alpha class of '99. Sorry.

[#2] JACK actually received a bid from Kappa. But it was the "other" Kappa.[#3]

[#3]Awkward.

If you want to affiliate yourself with something, but don't have the ability to interact within the constraints of the rest of society, JACK BAUER'S BIDET recommends you check out fauxternity Eta Prime ("Why Get Loaded and Throw Empty Forties At Your Next-Door Neighbors' Heads At 3 a.m., When You Can Throw Full Ones" and "Cell Block A.")