Oooooooohhhhhh SNAP! Haha you totally thought we were dudes!! Well, Emily likes sports. And Juliet has penis envy. So that's close enough. Anyways, it has been quite a semester, and we're actually unsure how we made it. We'd borrowed Hermione's Time-Turner, but Jesse Longoria stole it, and now we're subsisting on coffee and Kelly Clarkson to keep us going. That said, on to the orders of business:
First, we recognize that, as big-time campus celebrities, we're going to get our fair share of questions (and naked stalkers... ideally). So we'd like to take a brief moment and clarify a few points.
We wrote both characters' letters together every week. Neither of us is purely MILLI or purely VANILLI; though Emily is an engineer, she is not entirely pasty or awkward around girls. And Juliet, though an absurdly over-involved PolSci major, generally does not consider herself to be a soulless misogynist prick. Generally.
Yes, you can play the Six Degrees of Emily Aviki on the facebook. We've tried.
Lesley Hill was not, in fact, responsible for Hurricane Katrina.
Juliet would like to apologize to the people in her Ambition and Politics class (namely Lexie, Jeff from Egypt and Shug). She thanks John Shugar, in particular, for the best feedback she got all semester: "The writers of Monday Monday are stupid and- not intelligent." To all the guys who thought Emily was one of the House EE boys: She appreciates that you think of her as one of your own. Although, James, she really enjoyed your logic: "Monday, Monday" had to be Tom because we made an Olsen twins reference. Excellent work. Also, Katie Owen, THIS is the reason why Emily couldn't show you her resume, even if you do work in the Career Center-. She got pompous and stuck this on there precipitously.
To individuals we made fun of: We only did it if we thought you could take it.
Kevin Fang, hang in there.
Russ Ferguson, we know you have that portrait. Don't even lie.
Juliet loves the following people: Andrea and Melissa and Margaret and Kim (of course), the Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life where she lives like a homeless person and scavenges for Kelly's candy, the deans of judicial affairs for whom she has composed epic odes of love that will not fit in this space, and of course the incredible beautiful hilarious sorority she is unfortunately disaffiliated from this semester and thus cannot name. To Garver: it's over, she was only keeping you around to steal all your jokes and is now leaving you to run off with Mugs. It's legal in Canada (and we're not talking about pot possession). In the meantime, however, this conversation is actually happening in real time:
Juliet: types
Mugs: No, don't say that about lesbians. I ACTUALLY want to get dates out of this.
Juliet: awkward pause
Mugs: Don't type that.
Mugs: DAMNIT JULIE. Free meals!
Emily (stealing the laptop) would like to thank: Daria and Tina Fey, who taught her the meaning of humor; admittedly, they are the reason she sometimes wears glasses. Shoutout to my family, who kept reading the column even though I had to type e-mail translations of terms like "Cosmic Cantina" and "Drunk IMing" (don't worry Mrs. Mugler, she never does that) that were longer than the column themselves. Also, thanks to family #2: love you girls. Dot: we're glad we got you in the column, even if it was as a grandma; roomies: Monmouth lov;, and Katie: PLEASE write this column next semester-and then let us secretly be in on that too. On that note, thanks to all the Delta Gamma women who had a slightly slacker president this semester... but then again, maybe you didn't notice.
Additionally, we both love Panhel with a burning passion. Especially Katie Jandl. But seriously, ladies, you never got suspicious that no Greek group was ever made fun of?! Shame on all of you.
FACT: Websites are for nerds and for kids who hate finals and have already read the rest of the Internet and clicked the "check" button on Mulberry four times.
THEREFORE: You should see the MILLI/VANILLI website at www.duke.edu/~jas46, and sign up for our e-mail list so the fun never has to end.
In all, we've been greatly looking forward to this issue, because we fully anticipate being spontaneously inundated with gifts (Mugs likes German beer, Juliet prefers Scotch) and back massages. With this in mind, we'll see you at the Joyce tonight.
<Witty comment here>,
Juliet A. Summers and Emily M. Mugler
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