Join me momentarily on a brief journey into the past—10 days into the past to be exact—to a cold Saturday night, 30 minutes prior to Duke’s 8 p.m. tip-off against Virginia.
After waiting for about a half-hour, I am informed that Cameron is approaching capacity and that the majority of the students still in line will not be able to see the game.
I look back at the several hundred students still waiting, and I get pretty pissed.
OK, I get really pissed. I vent my anger and badmouth the lucky souls that are already inside.
Picking up on my tremendous jealousy, my friend sarcastically suggests, “If you’re so pissed at them, why don’t you burn down K-ville?”
We both share a good laugh—it’s a pretty ridiculous idea.
But then I start to think about it.
My friends, the end of K-ville as we know it is fast approaching. Like Frankenstein’s Monster gone berserk, K-ville has become a noble experiment gone horribly awry. Now is the time for us to gather in the town square armed with torches and pitchforks, and unite under a rallying cry to “Kill the Beast.”
We have known that K-ville needed to be drastically changed ever since the Line Monitors introduced Black Tenting, a noble effort that inflicted harsher restrictions against students who returned early from vacation in order to secure the best place in line.
Of course, the plan backfired.
“By the Beard of Zeus!” a new crop of K-ville residents proclaimed. “I didn’t even know you could tent before classes started! I gotta get me some of that!”
As a result, an obscene number of students came back early, because if you could survive Black Tenting, you were obviously really, really hardcore.
Now before I continue The Annual Destroy K-ville Column, let me make it clear that I do not support the eradication of tenting altogether. I participated in White Tenting last year. It was a blast. The atmosphere in K-ville the nights before the Carolina game can’t be beat.
That said, things do need to change, because K-ville is slowly degrading this university.
The first problem is the well-documented effects that K-ville has on physical and mental health of the student body. Since the effects are well-documented, let’s just skip them.
Second, K-ville tends to breed very boring people. Since we’re right in the middle of fraternity rush, I’ve been talking to a lot of freshmen, and we all know that freshman loooooooove Duke basketball. Here’s my typical conversation with said freshman tenter:
Myself: “So what other things have you been involved in on campus?”
Freshman: “Well I’m tenting.”
M: “That’s cool. Which tent?”
F: “Tent 23.”
M: “That’s cool. Shelden Williams’ number. What else do you do?”
F: “Well, I like to play basketball too.”
M: “Cool, you really like basketball. That’s awesome....(awkward pause)”
Of course, there are plenty of tenters out there who live active, healthy lives. It just seems as if the plague of the “Chronic Tenter” has become much more common these days.
There is one last, huge problem. When K-ville residents do finally get into the game, they suck. Big time.
Let’s return to the Virginia game. Eventually I got into Cameron, but I was forced into the upper bowl. And frankly, guys, from up there you didn’t sound that impressive. Sure got you excited after a big J.J. Redick three or a big Shelden Williams block, but the rest of the game was filled with half-hearted chants, unenthusiastic bobbing and pathetic little “ooooooo”s that sounded like the humming of your average, every-day washing machine.
I know you can do better. I was at the Michigan State game. I was at the UNC game last year. But now you’re so exhausted from sitting out in the cold that you can hardly get rowdy, even if you wanted to. Up in that upper bowl, (where, by the way, the TV camera sits) you guys didn’t sound any more impressive than the fans I’ve seen at Illinois, Kansas, or, dare I say it, UNC.
“So how do you suppose we fix it?” you might ask. Here’s my plan.
First, tenting should begin two weeks after the start of classes. That means that tenting would begin today.
Second, tenting positions are distributed by a lottery, and weighted in a manner that rewards seniority and prior attendance. The older you are, and the more games you have attended (a serious problem last season), the better chance you have to get a good spot.
That’s it. Please understand that I am making these suggestions because I truly want to preserve the spirit of Duke Basketball.
Or maybe I’m pissed because I almost didn’t get into the Virginia game. You choose.
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