SIR ELTON does fall break

SIR ELTON enjoyed dazing through fall break, sitting comfortably numb on his ass while time caressed him and he watched The OC and popped Pringles by the case. SIR ELTON’s not saying that fall break was boring, just that it was horribly, sadly bereft of activity. Oh, yeah, SIR ELTON can climb Baldwin three or four times (he actually did it zero times, as it is hard on back) or tip some benches for good measure, but it just doesn’t equal the excitement of acute starvation and incessant violence that frequents his native home. SIR ELTON’s not bitter about it, but wait, no… yes he is. But it’s okay, because North Carolina is his new home, just south enough to be full of feelings of racism and intolerance (and tobacco use?) without the warm weather come December. Or hurricanes. We could use a good hurricane. As he was reminiscing about the hurricanes, SIR ELTON thought President George W. Bush would do well to name the next twister Hurricane Kerry as a metaphor for the treacherous destruction the flip-flopper will deal to the country if elected. SIR ELTON isn’t saying he’s a Bush fan, but that this is what Bush’s Christian values teach him.

SIR ELTON felt right at home with the martial law in effect on campus over the weekend. How can you not feel safe when protected by Securitas, undead righteous security forces of the ancient era. The enemies of the campus still conducted some underground sabotage, pulling some fire alarms and calling in bomb threats. That’s the hand of the devil, no doubt, but SIR ELTON is confident that Securitas will crush them like the professional a--holes they are. It’s time the punishment started fitting the crime around here. SIR ELTON suggests mandatory expulsion for underage drinking, and since nothing reminds SIR ELTON of home like an old fashioned execution, if one more person takes SIR ELTON’s clothes out of the washing machine three seconds after it finishes, it’s hang time.

Speaking of the Students Against Terror concert, SIR ELTON was a little surprised by the security measures the administration put into place. Lord knows that without these measures if the terrorists were to gain access to a DukeCard, they could get into any dorm on West Campus. Then, if they followed the standard rule book, waiting in the bathroom until late night to steal laptops (and virginities?). Our first line of defense, of course, were the boys at AEPi who kept things in order, spreading their settlements to KA territory and even the Main Quad. SIR ELTON hopes Spanish bench proponents don’t get a whiff of this or they could start another Spanish inquisition.

And what says “Don’t bomb me please” like a Sister Hazel concert? It worked for Live Aid, because AIDS packed on up and moved to Africa. SIR ELTON thinks if the government has Savage Garden perform constantly in Iraq, anti-US sentiments will cease immediately and troops can white people dance with Iraqis to “I Want You”. Nothing can bring a resolution to world conflict like washed up early 90s bands. Rock out for peace, man.

SIR ELTON is a little concerned with the obsession you crazy Americans have with baseball. The intense fervor possessed by baseball fans could go right into a passion for a constructive hobby, like repairing broken faucets for low-income families. Instead, after a loss, they cry, cry, cry like an N’Sync fan who couldn’t go to the concert because she hit puberty that night. The winners aren’t any better, as they would like to claim team membership just because they live within a nuclear blast radius of the franchise location. You aren’t the 10th man, you’re the 66,583rd man, right after all those other Yankee wannabes. Fans of losing teams: Go buy a hot dog and a foam finger, give the hot dog to the hobo outside the stadium because you lost your appetite, and get the next L-train home so you can bawl into your pillow. Pedro Martinez will be rich and screwing his trophy wives (he’s mormon, right?) whether he wins or not. Stephen King will go write a creepy best-seller and drown in riches whether his favorite team wins or not. You, on the other hand, are poor and failing your classes as an homage to the failure of the team that was only down by a touchdown and a field goal.

SIR ELTON’s grandfather was brutally murdered at the hands of a Red Sox fan