Mr. Brodhead, tear down the wall

So I’ve been told I have the habit of beating horses until they are dead, and then even some after that. This is unfortunate, since we vegans are supposed to leave the horse beating to other people. And I’ve been beating my latest horse in order to save the pigs that are killed over at the Duke School of Medicine, but this week I’m not going to talk about that. Really. I promise to not even mention either killing or pigs or how Duke should be above all that.

In the spirit of tolerance and diversity, I thought I’d cover another favorite left-wing cause. I’m sure you’re all baffled, wondering what that could be. Abortion rights? Nah, I’ve got too many babies mommas running around out there. How about gay rights? Nope. Although they’re fine by me, and I think everyone should be a little less uptight, anyway.

Instead let’s talk about unions. You know, your friendly neighborhood, corrupt, mafia-connected, Jimmy-Hoffa-killing, Cleveland-Browns-loving, support groups for the sartorially-challenged. But I’m not just talking about any union. I’m talking about a union of the graduate students here at Duke. What? Could such a thing happen?

Well, not at present, because the esteemed folks at the National Labor Relations Board decided over the summer that graduate students at private universities, in particular those who are teaching assistants, are not technically employees. You heard right. Although we work like employees, and although we get paid for our labor like employees, and although we pay taxes like employees, we’re not really employees. In their unfathomable logic, since we are here at Duke primarily for educational purposes (some of you in my TA section may find that hard to believe), we should not receive the same rights to collective bargaining that other employees are entitled to. But just because I’m here for an education, does that exclude me from being considered an employee? How is it that when a grad student teaches the same class as a professor, the grad student is just a student while the professor is an employee? When the class appears on a transcript, isn’t an “A” in the one class worth the same as an “A” in the other?

Most of the undergrads have stopped reading at this point, but for those of you still with me, congratulations. You may have the stamina to make it as a grad student yourself one day. And guess what? If you’re at a public school, you can be in a union. If not, tough luck. Odd how being a student at that reform school over in Chapel Hill might actually have some advantages over going to school here.

I write this not just to kvetch about my miserable life, though I could do that too. I could tell you about how one of my neighbors ratted me out to my apartment manager about my dogs being off the leash. But that’s not why I wrote this. I wrote this because we need to start thinking about this issue as it relates to Duke. We need to start organizing ourselves so that one day down the road there is a union here. We need to tear down the wall between being a grad student and being an employee. Mr. Brodhead… you know the rest.

I know some of the arguments against unions. They say that they poison the atmosphere between faculty and students, and that graduate school is temporary anyway, so why bother? But maybe a union is exactly the right kind of poison for our complacency. Maybe the fact that they stir things up and create a little controversy is a good thing. And maybe if unions bring up grievances, it’s not the union that should be blamed, but the unjust situation they bring to light.

I know one more thing. My friend Dan Lee thinks a graduate student union is a good idea, and anyone that good-looking has got to be right.