Now that the baseball season has gotten to that point where it’s as exciting as your grandmother on a strong dose of Tylenol PM, and with an Olympic Games that are more over-hyped than 36 hour Cialis, I can almost taste that juicy NFL season that will arrive in two short weeks (apologies for all the pharmaceutical references).
With that in mind, let’s take a look at four big-time stories that surround this much anticipated, guaranteed-to-be-overanalyzed by that alien look-alike John Clayton NFL season.
1) Are Terrell Owens and Jevon Kearse are the final pieces of the Eagles’ puzzle?
Unfortunately for those Neanderthals that sit in the stands of Lincoln Financial Field, the answer is no. Terrell may be one of the three best receivers in the NFL, but he is also a player who would disagree if you said there is no I in EAGLES. Kearse may be the only player in the NFL who frightens opposing linemen even more than the local narcotics detectives, but he’s earned his pay only 18 times in the last two seasons. With the departures of defensive mainstays Troy Vincent, Bobby Taylor and Carlos Emmons, in addition to the season-ending injury sustained by explosive running back Correll Buckhalter, Donovan McNabb has more chunky soup on his plate than even he and his mama can handle.
2) After a disastrous 2003 season, are the Oakland Raiders ready to make a return to the playoffs?
Last year was so dismal that Al Davis considered no longer wearing those god-awful warm-up suits that he sports year-in and year-out, but instead he fired Bill Callahan, hired Norv Turner and made a myriad of moves to right the ship. The grandest changes came in the trenches, with the acquisitions of three veterans in Ron Stone, Warren Sapp and Ted Washington and the drafting of tackle Robert Gallery. Together these guys are listed to weigh 1,316 pounds, which is about half the weight of my 1999 Jeep Grand Cherokee, or what Jared weighed before Subway.
Davis gave the boot to 85-year-olds Tim Brown, Charlie Garner, Bill Romanowski and Trace Armstrong. Let us pray Turner, whose career record is 49-59-1, has figured out how to coach since he left Washington.
3) Can Bill Parcells turn the ’Boys into America’s team once again?
Parcells has really shone during the second season of each of his previous three coaching tenures, improving his teams a combined total of 14 games over those three seasons. There are tuna-sized differences this time around, however: the new running back, Eddie George, is more like un-dominant than anything else; the new wide receiver in town, Keyshawn Johnson, talks more than John Madden on crack; the new quarterback, Vinny Testaverde, is almost as old as my dad. The Cowboys may still end up 10-6 and may still make the playoffs, but to say they lack playmaking ability is like saying Parcells is fat.
4) With all the parity in the NFL, which team is most likely to change direction?
The Dolphins, who have wasted three seasons worth of Super Bowl-caliber talent, are going to be more detestable than George W. Bush when he’s got that freakin’ smirk on his face. Jay Fiedler is the most mediocre quarterback in the league and A.J. Feeley is probably number two. Travis Minor, who has started zero games in his three-year career, replaces the retired Ricky Williams, who chose to smoke weed over playing for Miami. The team is about to trade the reigning AFC sack leader, Adawale Ogunleye, and David Boston is lost for the season after knee surgery. Dave Wannstedt, all I can say is quit while you can, because your team looks a lot like the 2003 Giants (who really blew by the way).
I guess it’s back to the Olympics, where the medals are being decided by a diverse group of scandal-prone people with pens in their hands. Peace out, come back again next Tuesday.
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