When RAMONA QUIMBY, AGE 38 walks around campus, she is frequently asked where she gets ideas for her very popular and insightful column (RAMONA's anonymity has not been compromised; she simply looks a lot like Bridget Newman). This is a growing trend: the desire to know about influences. In the old days, it was perfectly fine to go out and buy the Boxcar Children #31: The Missing Triplets and not have to think about exactly how it exists as an amalgamation of Kurosawa's "Rashomon" and Boxcar Children #30: The Missing Twins. Nowadays, your influences matter. Hillary Duff is a combination of LeAnn Rimes and Lisa Loeb; "Troy" is a mix of "Lord of the Rings" and "Gladiator"; Ja Rule is a cross between DMX and a giant pile of crap. Johnny Cash's estate recently released a record wherein the Man in Black's influences are chronicled. They are pretty much predictable: gospel, blues, country and Sapphic Russian supergroup TaTu.
The point being: you are probably asking yourself some questions. Where does RAMONA's stuff come from? Why do I write what I do? Did Oswald act alone? Do her frequent switches between the first and third person reflect a conscious nod to John Berryman's "The Dream Songs" or simply a tiny brain?
RAMONA will answer these questions and more, citing and discussing . Think of it like VH1 Storytellers, a chance for a pompous and self-important "creative" figure to explain the sometimes obvious logic behind his creation. But no matter how many times we hear Cypress Hill explain that they wrote "Insane in the Brain" because they were incredibly high, we will eat this up.
Many of RAMONA's influences come from the world of television. Countless nights, her latest "special friend" lies spent and spread-eagled on RAMONA's trundle bed as she flips through the channels.
She is a huge fan of the "E! Wild On...", a program where attractive people party in various locations like Acapulco, Bangkok and Monaco. Basically, it is like the Travel Channel with ginormous breast implants and a coke dealer on speed dial. Former host Jules Asner was one of the most beautiful women on the planet before being horribly disfigured in "E! Wild On... Jalalabad;" she now haunts the show's producers and cast, like a vapid and immaculately coiffed Phantom of the Opera.
RAMONA also enjoys realistic hour-long network dramas, especially "The West Wing." This is an amazing show, where important (???) issues are debated by earnest and attractive (???) people. Generally the point of views represented in the show range from left to insanely left, but the argument is settled in the show's last five minutes, when Martin Sheen (of "West Wing" fame) settles the issue by quoting some impossible anecdote or esoteric quote. Last week, the question of partial-birth abortion was settled by President Sheen's story involving three traveling salesmen of varying ethnic backgrounds and a farmer with a beautiful daughter.
The show also exaggerates the sexiness of working in the White House with all manner of relationship tension and innuendo. Truth is, the Presidency has not been this sexy since James Monroe woke up next to Dolly Madison. Era of Good Feeling indeed!
Another constant source of inspiration for RAMONA QUIMBY is the radio. Despite the fact that she is one of the last seven people alive who listens to the radio, she is a big fan of a guy named Paul Harvey.
For those of you who have not had the pleasure, Mr. Harvey tells stories that talk about someone experiencing hardship. Then there are 40 minutes of ads, and then he reveals "...The Rest Of The Story," wherein the story's protagonist is proven to be some famous person. RAMONA gets so filled with inspiration she has to go use the toilet. The best thing about the show is that Mr. Harvey is freaking insane. He has no grasp of reality. An excerpt: "And that young Cuban boy, fought over by two nations, grew up to become actress Glenn Close." The man is bonkers, and RAMONA digs that about him.
RAMONA relies on inspiration a great deal, as I am sure you can tell. She has to watch either "Braveheart" or "Rudy" to get out of bed in the morning, which makes her eight o'clock class a difficult proposition. But she knows where to find it, and she hopes that she can be an inspiration to you the reader. Maybe an inspiration to try the crossword again. Maybe an inspiration to write a letter to the editor explaining that Jalalabad references are not funny. Maybe an inspiration to avoid picking up The Chronicle ever again. But, in some small way, she will have impacted your life. You're quite welcome, by the way.
The final RAMONA QUIMBY, AGE 38 will be next Monday.
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