It's your last one," said my editor as we crossed paths on campus. I knew it. I'd been mulling over how to write a fitting end, the proper send-off for two years as a columnist, but more importantly, four years as a student. When I applied for the position of social/greek columnist, I knew I would be writing for a microcosm of this campus. I knew I would have to look deeply into trivial matters, or at least try to anyway. But ending my stint with some grandiose look at life from Thursday through Saturday night would do a disservice to you.
Instead, what I leave on the page are the things I've learned about the human condition. Forget lectures and formal education. This, right here, is the big picture. This is what I have learned from you; what I have taken to heart from my fellow students; what I will carry with me that can never be expressed by the calligraphy on a diploma.
On Change: People change. It's simple and seems obvious, but this is something we struggle with time and time again. The reality is amplified because we're thrown together for a short, but poignant, time in our lives.
College presents the challenge of etching your identity. Away from everything that molded us, we're expecting to grasp the independence that comes with adulthood and decide who we're going to be. And all this goes on while in the company of thousands of strangers. In four years you meet new people, form bonds and watch some of them deteriorate as one or both of you change.
Some people will do a 180; others will spin themselves dizzy to the point where you don't recognize an ounce of the person they used to be. In most cases, you just opt for a path too different to maintain the relationship. But with each encounter of change, feelings of loss arise.
College is the first taste of perpetual change we will find in people throughout life. Friends here will come and go. Often friends from home will follow suit. The best thing we can do is learn to accept this idea, minimize the disappointment and appreciate even more those rare and wonderful people we meet during this chaotic time who become fixtures in our lives.
On Self: "You need to watch out for your own best interest because no one else in this world will." This was said to me during the first weeks of freshman year. Not to be misconstrued for selfishness, the point is that we are the only ones responsible to pursue a life of happiness and respect, for these things are not handed to us. What's crucial and often overlooked is the fact that seeking that which is best for our lives must stem from self-respect. It means understanding the difference between standing up for yourself and taking too much; the divide between selflessness and permitting people to walk all over you. Most importantly, it means choosing to live on your terms, not in order to please others, garner your parents' praise or simply do what society tells you is right. When you learn to live for yourself, contentment isn't far behind.
On Love: As we come to understand who we are, we also look into the type of person we want to share our life with. Despite all the talk about the death of romance on campus, love does abound. During our time here, many of us have fallen in love. We've also fallen out of love and grown as individuals while in relationships. For some of us, it's in college where we learn to be one-half, to depend on others and be depended on in a sense that we never could before comprehend. And it's these things, these unspoken personal growths that come with relationships, that matter. It's not getting a three-carat ring or leaving with a BS as a soon-to-be Mrs.
I've heard comments like, "you know you meet your husband during your first year at Duke" and I've seen girls' eyes searching feverishly at bars hoping to spot this man. The grand lesson on love in college, and in general: love sought is not pure.
It is a miserable truth, but those great relationships that lead you to fall in love come when you're not looking, when you least expect it, and a lot of times when you least want it. We're a group of ambitious kids who have built lives on the mentality of getting what we want by working for it. Love is an accomplishment, but it's not one that comes with effort. So sit back, relax and enjoy learning from those who pass in and out of your romantic life. One day you'll find the right mate; and shockingly enough, that person might not have attended Duke.
On Friends: To expect your friends to be the same friend you are to them promises for disappointment. I learned this early on in life, but found myself saying this to many people here over the years. Friendships don't work because we all act, think and react in the same way. It's so easy to get frustrated with someone for not doing what you would have--for not taking the time to listen or be thoughtful at a time of total inconvenience--but we connect to the person, not the gestures. You have to love your friends for who they are, not fault them for not being who you expect. Focus on being the best possible friend to others by your definition and appreciate what friends bring to your life when they follow theirs.
On Conviction: The beauty of a school like Duke is the intellectual diversity. We all know the student body is diverse--it's practically programmed into our brains that we're here because they saw something "different" in each of us. Unless you're the kid of alumni, in which case they saw something similar--your last name. Among the students you'll find an insanely wide range of ideologies on an even broader set of topics. We've all had intense conversations about our beliefs; and if things went right, we've had our viewpoints challenged.
I think it so admirable to educate oneself on a subject, form values and be confident enough to discuss them. The problem lies in narrow-mindedness. Holding so tightly to one's beliefs that we refuse to listen to others is dangerous. Faith is wonderful; blind faith is ignorance.
This is especially true for an institution like Duke. Many of us will go on to be leaders, to wield great influence in the workings of this nation. To leave this University unwilling to hear others, unable to accept their beliefs or to question our own, is to leave unaffected. The best education we receive is from one another.
Jen Wlach is a Trinity senior. Her column appears every other Wednesday.
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