It's that time again. The NCAA basketball tournament is in full-force, and RAMONA QUIMBY, AGE 38, like many others, has been struck with a serious case of March Madness. The symptoms of such a disorder are not easily identified. RAMONA spent the better part of an hour scouring the pages of a DSM-IV and found nothing published on the subject, although she is now fairly certain her "lutraphobia," or irrational fear of otters, while treatable, does not qualify her for priority parking in most supermarket parking lots. Luckily, her "amaxophobia," or fear of riding in automobiles, usually prevents her from needing to park anyway and her chronic "lachanophobia," or fear of vegetables, makes trips to the supermarket infrequent in the first place. So, it's funny how things work out.
Since March Madness has not yet been formalized as a legitimate and debilitating disorder, allow RAMONA QUIMBY to relay several of the more troubling symptoms that she has experienced as a direct result of this ailment:
Muscular Atrophy--severe, although not completely inexplicable. RAMONA has not left her couch in 48 hours. Normal bodily functions once relegated to bathroom time have been carried out when necessary in a makeshift spittoon under the coffee table, and the small grease fire that began in the kitchen after the first game tipped-off while RAMONA was making tater-tots in the Fry Daddy serendipitously burned itself out. Which was nice.
Weight Gain--troubling, but equally as expected. After polishing off two boxes of Chicken-in-a-Biskit (a snack RAMONA QUIMBY lauds for its unadulterated biscuit flavor, but resents for its relative inability to capture the taste of poultry in cracker form), RAMONA ordered Cattlemen's delivery and hasn't stopped yet. The restaurant has since given her a giant spotlight that works like the bat-signal, casting a picture of El Paso Nachos 40 feet in the air, for her constant reorders. The delivery guy had his own key made to her place and is allowed to use the restroom and make local calls on her phone, "as long as he's quiet."
Phantom Voices--becoming increasingly more frequent. They sound strangely like Clark Kellogg and have been instructing RAMONA to perform several dastardly acts, the most recent being to kidnap Seth Davis and force him to play the song "One Shining Moment" by hitting a spoon against glasses filled with varying amounts of water.
Nightmares--RAMONA's nights are haunted by a giant and ruthless University of Manhattan Jasper. Right now, you are probably thinking, "What is a Jasper?" or "What does a Jasper look like?" Well, don't you think that if RAMONA knew the answer to these questions, she could overcome her bad dreams? That's what we all fear the most--the unknown.
Painful and distracting symptoms aside, RAMONA QUIMBY is greatly enjoying the tournament and the countless close games that have kept the competition riveting. Of course, the competition on the court spills over to the spectators, as everyone anxiously fills out his or her brackets and enters them in friendly office pools that offer the chance of a huge monetary reward for a minimal buy-in cost. Last year, RAMONA got in a little over her head; being a college basketball novice, she mistakenly entered a high-stakes Las Vegas gambling venture, and after defaulting on several hefty debts, was forced to explain the whole misunderstanding to a bookie who was more than ready to "compromise the integrity of her kneecaps." In the end, everyone got a good laugh, and RAMONA made a lifelong friend who has vowed to "put someone in a suitcase" if RAMONA should ever request it. Whatever that means.
This year, just like every other year, RAMONA has made her bracket selections based on hypothetical battles of opposing teams' mascots. Stanford was a formidable regular season opponent, and indeed a favorite going into the tournament. However, judging from their mascot, "the Cardinal," it was clear to RAMONA that Stanford was destined for an early exit. First of all, it's singular. Having only a single cardinal to fight one's battles greatly lessens the chances for victory. Secondly, is this a bird? Perhaps a member of the clergy? What's up with the tree? All in all, their loss was not surprising because trees are not scary or intimidating (unless one suffers from "dendrophobia," which, by the way, RAMONA does).
Similarly, consider the team that is perhaps the surprise of the tournament: tenth-seeded Nevada. After upsetting Michigan State in the first round, Nevada went on to earn a Sweet Sixteen birth by unseating tourney favorite Gonzaga. The reason? Nevada's mascot is the Wolf Pack. A couple of Spartans is no match for an entire pack of wolves. Neither are bulldogs. Do you know what they call the fear of Spartans? Neither does RAMONA--nobody's scared of Spartans. Do you know what they call the fear of wolves--nay, wolf packs? Neither does RAMONA; the website she's stealing this from isn't that comprehensive. But the fear of wild animals is "agrizoophobia," and that's certainly nothing to trifle with.
Based on this system, the indisputable tournament favorite--and the team that RAMONA is putting all her money on--is the University of Alabama-Birmingham. Don't let the mascot fool you; the team is referred to as "the Blazers," but apparently this is French for "totally awesome fire-breathing dragon-monsters." Look for UAB to trounce the competition, setting fire to and eating everything in its path. Forget seeds, regular season records, tournament experience, effective coaching and momentum. The dragon is coming through, and if RAMONA QUIMBY knows anything about dragons, he's probably flying with huge freaking wings and making horrible dragon noises.
It's enough to give anyone "dragophobia".... Or whatever the fear of dragons is really called.
RAMONA QUIMBY, AGE 38 wrote this column before UAB beat Kentucky. Pretty cool, huh?
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