According to a recent study by the National Academy of Sciences' National Research Council, American pets--much like their owners--are dangerously overweight. The report indicates that upwards of 25% of American cats and dogs meet the standard of "obese" and need to lose weight. Therefore, as a public service announcement, Recess takes this opportunity to analyze the fitness levels of some of our favorite celebrity animals to find out what makes your pet a fit fido or a husky heifer:
Yogi is not your average bear. He's rude; he's a kleptomaniac, and worse of all he's addicted to food. Sadly, Yogi's case is not unique. Obese animals are a reality--our reality.
Winnie-the-Pooh, the lovable Christopher Robin side-kick, is a victim as well. An easy example of poor diet, this portly bear's obsession with honey has him on a one-way path to a heart coronary.
Heart blockages are a dangerous and very real occurrence for other chunky animals like Uga VI, the Georgia Bulldog whose ever-expanding waistline has him panting like a marathon runner on the sidelines every Saturday. Even extinct animals can fall victim to ill-heath, like Barney the Dinosaur, whose cheerful grin and happy song masked a deep weight-driven depression.
Cats in particular fall victim to the obesity plague--sure, you may laugh at the antics of Garfield and Heathcliff's Mungo, but their conditions are real. And deadly. Miss Piggy's Marlon Brando-like weight struggles have plagued her throughout her career. Plus, side effects of this kind of obesity can be gross and horrifying; The Lion King's Pumbaa is just one disturbing example of an obese animal with unfortunate gas problems.
But there is hope. Constant love and affection can do great things for your pet. Sitcom dogs in particular have enjoyed happy healthy lives; Eddie from Frasier's regimen of jumping excitedly is just one recipe for success. Mad About You's Murray kept audiences laughing with his crazy antics and voluptuous figure. And don't forget Empty Nest's cardio-enthusiast Dreyfuss, yet another healthy, happy dog.
Exercise is of course essential to the health of any pet, and a few stellar athletes stand out as excellent role models. High energy Puffy from There's Something About Mary knew that constant movement ensured a good physique. And the hours Donkey Kong spent in the gym enabled him to conquer vast landscapes and evil menaces; and land a sweet piece of ass in Candy Kong.
Small pets can also attain a slim figure without sacrificing their adorable personality. Marcel from Friends showed off his sleek simian body week-in and week-out, a fine example of monkey fitness. And the tiny Verdel from As Good As it Gets showed us that even a little bacon from time-to-time is OK. And speaking of bacon, Babe--a so-called "Dirty Pig"--proved that even traditionally overweight animals can achieve superior fitness with a little motivation.
Dead animals can still look good too, such as the adorable Petey the Parakeet from Dumb and Dumber. He may not have a head, but thanks to his incapacity to eat, Petey still attracts suitors.
One thing all these animals have in common is a healthy diet. Unfortunately, this isn't the case for most. The "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" dog is clearly on a frightening descent to an early grave with his frequent binges on gorditas and choco-tacos. The Flintstone's Dino--a constant consumer of inconceivably large, fatty dinosaur bones--has flirted with high cholesterol and over-eating for years.
And much like humans, pets too can fall victim to the spell of alcohol. Spuds MacKenzie is one such example. This Bud Light loving lush of a dog may have won the hearts of millions, but at what cost? Pet substance abuse is a one-way ticket to bad health. It's important to watch your pets and their social behavior, and to discourage friendships with lascivious characters like the Pink Panther, Felix the Cat or the skunkish Pepe Le Pew.
And be careful: though thinness is preferred, anorexia is just as deadly. The unfortunate Mr. Bigglesworth from Austin Powers demonstrated that beneath a coat of white, fluffy hair there could be an anemic, emaciated, skeletal shell of an animal.
Finally, remember not every animal can look like Lassie of the alligator from the Lacoste shirts. But don't let that be an excuse for obesity. Please, protect your pet.
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