Dragging Down Drag

Dude looks like a lady? Apparently not, but you can't fault me for trying. After a unique night of experimentation with women's underwear and eye shadow, I hit East Campus Saturday, portfolio in hand, to get some advice from the real queens.

Drag Queen 1: Skittles (I can already taste the rainbow of fruit flavor.)

Recess: My first night was last night, and I took some pictures, and I want you to honestly critique them and tell me what I need to work on because I'm very new to this.

S: You can see the dark hair under the wig. You need to cover that. And bigger boobs so you have a better figure.

Is that sexy? [pointing to arms-on-wall photo]

S: Uh... yeah, but I would spread those legs some more.

Are you really grossed out right now?

S: Well--there's room for improvement, let's put it that way. You should pull your wig down, spread those legs and do a frontal.

MK: Not bad, but girls have bangs and don't have sideburns. And a couple of pairs of panty hose to cover the hairy legs. I do think the stop sign is appropriate in this picture.

WB: Are you from Europe?

If you want me to be. Should I have shaved my face?

MK: Not a necessity, but preferred--unless your drag name is Gyno-Lotrimin. [Shown the next bottom-left photo] Now that's very seductive. I think that's very Dana Plato (from Diff'rent Strokes).

Well, I was thinking it was more a Mr. Drummond thing. Does the chest hair bother you?

WB: Have you seen [the drag queen] Shitty Mess? You should talk to her.

Ouch! I remind you of some dude named Shitty Mess. Any other pointers there, big guy?

MK: The higher the hair, the closer to Jesus.

Drag Queen 4: Ho Chi MEN.

What do you think?

HCM: Oh my God! That's pussy hair, girl!

What's good?

HCM: [Awkward silence]

What's bad?

HCM: Your hair, your foundation, your lipstick--did you use liquid foundation? Honey, CoverGirl does NOT cover boy!

Does the chest hair bother you?

HCM: Yes. It bothers me greatly. The armpit hair bothers me--that's disgusting. It's foul. Awful. [Sees my sandals.] Walmart?

Yes! Eight dollars!

HCM: I have the same ones! Good taste! [We exchange a spirited high five.] Also, I must say that I do not like the Rapunzel look, but overall--[looks me up and down and touches my chest] you're fabulous as a boy.

Thank you.