Column: Interview with a miscegenist

I spoke this week with one Duke student who thinks the key to racial harmony lies in our loins.

Matt Gillum, a Trinity sophomore, is founder, president and member of the Duke Miscegenation Club, a new campus organization dedicated to increased understanding through frequent cross-racial sexual intercourse and reproduction. I sat down with Matt to discuss his plan in detail.

Rob Goodman: What are the Miscegenation Club's objectives?

Matt Gillum: Primarily, what we seek to accomplish, we being myself, is pervasive racial amalgamation with the ultimate aim of producing a global community as homogenous as the canine population of Mexico.

RG: And you think such worldwide change can start here at Duke?

MG: There's no particular reason why it has to start here, but our organization firmly believes in man's capacity to define himself through free choice, and therefore, given our limited time and genetic material, i.e., semen, it is imperative that we begin what will certainly become a hegemonic order in our particular regional context.

RG: But do you think you can actually convince Duke students to start having children in massive numbers?

MG: For better or worse, traditional morality is collapsing, though it remains achingly difficult to overcome the adolescent female disinclination toward polygamy and wanton reproduction.

RG: Could you tell us a little about how you first came up with the idea of a Miscegenation Club?

MG: I think I first came up with this idea when I was reflecting on the horrific, conflictional nature of the world in which we are so fortunate to sojourn, so I thought to myself, "This place is absolutely riddled with ethnic strife, with racial antagonism," and I thought to myself, "Well, the best method for eradicating universal discord is through diffuse sexual relationships, ultimately leading to a Shangri-la where everyone's skin is a nice hue of taupe."

RG: Some might call that eugenics.

MG: Eugenics? Essentially, racial superiority enters the question not at all. The driving ideology is not that one race is superior, one inferior, but that given the terribly disunity engendered by having same members of the same species with different-colored skin, we feel that in the interest of general harmony racial blending is the best thing since the vernacular Mass.

RG: Wouldn't such a program wipe out diversity?

MG: Well, what is diversity? Perhaps you're right, diversity would be eliminated. But just think how much fun we could have if we were all exactly the same, part of a large collective, incapable of volitional activity or variation.

RG: I see your point. What response have you gotten so far at Duke?

MG: I'd say that the signs are encouraging. People seem to be interested in the futuristic panacea which we divine after many hours of rigorous study and self-flagellation. Ultimately, truth will prevail.

RG: Self-flagellation literally or metaphorically?

MG: That would be literal self-flagellation. It's the only way to do it right.

RG: Given the positive response, what first steps are you taking to promote miscegenation on campus? Flyers, tabling, what?

MG: Well, I envisage myself more as an iconic figure whose primary function is not administrative or organizational, but rather empyrean and ideological. In other words, my aim is not to engage in the ideals I promulgate, but rather to distribute them, so that our comrades may put them into practice.

RG: Have you yourself ever miscegenated? Do you plan to?

MG: Regrettably, my existence is restricted to externally-imposed celibacy. In other words, sexual selection has left me out.

RG: So you're trying to spread some ideological semen, as it were.

MG: Exactly. I'm not above natural selection.

Rob Goodman is a Trinity sophomore. His column appears every other Friday.