Dissecting the Freshman Code

"Hey, you never came to my room last night!" a freshman girl shouted across a crowded East-West bus Monday afternoon.

"Uh," replied the male object of her attention.

"Don't you remember? You asked where my room was last night and said you'd stop by," she explained, jutting her neck forward, searching his face eagerly.

"Uh, yeah, it was, uh room 2...7... niner."

"Mike, right? You totally don't remember me. Remember outside that bathroom we were talking and I was like--Mike?"

Mike was already engaged in another conversation. At least she had asked the right questions. There are only three necessary questions any freshmen needs to know: What is your name, what dorm are you in, and where are you from--in no particular order, because chances are, neither party will remember any of the answers.

Upperclassmen and those removed from The Freshman Code may be unaware of the utility of these phrases. They serve the purpose of filling silence, and a key element of The Code is to fill all empty space with conversation, any conversation. The freshman perma-smile greatly facilitates this process. Any Code-following freshman will be in a constantly good mood, full of laughs and bubbles. They have a bounce in their gait an enthusiastic response to any comment, and a heightened self-consciousness that translates quite nicely into an anxious excitement:

"So, what dorm are you in?"

This anxiety makes you wonder why the administration requires Academic Writing.

Instead of yoga or massage therapy. The writing course only intensifies the deer-caught-in-headlights syndrome and does nothing to ease perma-smile and shoulder tension. Massage therapy could ease those muscles and practicing fall semester would allow girls in particular to train for the ultimate perma-smile season in the beginning of January.

Another way to prepare for the beginning of January, i.e. rush, is to take note of every upperclassman's T-shirt--a very important part of The Freshman Code. No matter where you are, if you see Greek letters on someone's clothing or overhear a reference to a social function, ask away. Ask everyone who runs across your path which are the coolest fraternities and sororities to join and when the parties are.

When you tell your freshman friends, definitely drop the person's name, your great new bud, no matter how long the conversation goes and repeat the entire fraternity name ("My buddy John from Delta Kappa Epsilon said we should come over on Friday"). Go to any house you hear is a frat house and sit there all day waiting to make friends with any of the inhabitants. This will immediately increase your popularity and attach more people to your respective herd, the next major component of The Freshman Code. The herd is the freshman way of life. Never leave home without it (or your DukeCard lanyard), especially on weekends. One freshman faced a miserable fate when he dared to go out to dinner in a duet:

"Hey man, are you hungry?"

"Yeah, I'm starving. You?"

"Yeah, wanna go get food?"

"Yeah, who's going?"

"Just me."

"Oh, uh, you know, I'm not really that hungry. I had a huge lunch."

Poor guy; he should have known better.

When you do follow The Code and stick to the herd, make sure you go to as many places as possible. Followers party hard; they go everywhere. Even if you just make it for five or 10 minutes, the next morning at the Marketplace you will be thankful that you can add another fraternity to your night's repertoire.

What is important is not the night itself; you are not supposed to remember it, but the morning after--the recap. Never arrive at the Marketplace too early and make sure you look sufficiently hungover. By this point you should have some pretty good anecdotes. If you don't, make them up. If someone makes a joke or reference to the night before, just keep giggling and blame your spaciness on the fact that you are still drunk and you should acquire even more first week playmates.

If you follow The Freshman Code, you are sure to blend in among your classmates--just make sure to tousle your hair.

Alexandra Wolfe, Trinity '02, is a senior editor of Recess.