pilgrimage of pain

Jesus freaks like having fun, too. To help the cause, a new theme park called the Holy Land Experience has arrived in Orlando, Florida.

For the first time, travelers will have the chance to walk a mile in Christ's shoes, or push a stroller for a $4 fee.

The Christian park features a replica of Herod's Temple (sans Roman orgy), a replica of Jesus' tomb (roll back the boulder and come inside!), a recreation of the Via Dolorosa, the street that Christ walked on his way to be crucified (thorny crown rentals-$2, giant crosses-$5), and a laser light show that features Hebrew prayers. No, we are not making this up.

Still, there are things missing-there's no John the Baptist water ride, or Lazarus' Escape from Death drop. There aren't even cartoon versions of sheep, or good Samaritans to help lost visitors. The gift shop does not sell "do-it-yourself Communion" kits. Nor is there a burning bush pyrotechnics show, or a "whack-the-Pharisee" game.

The only real controversy comes from the park's goy-esque owners.

If you thought Florida's Jewish population was pissed after accidentally voting for Buchanan, you should see them kvetch now-the park is run by a strange religious hybrid-the Messianic Jew.

Messianic Jews are Jews who believe Jesus Christ was the Messiah. (See Smut Peddlers' classic line: "A walking contradiction like Jews for Jesus.") Sure, holding their contradictory belief system takes a lot of chutzpah, but it takes no greater leap than, say, a Catholic Scientologist or a Muslim atheist.

Traditional Jews-the ones who don't believe that Jesus was anything more than some pious dude in a smock-fear that the park will be used to encourage young, influential Jews to change religions.