SYDNEY, Australia - The Grid Pickers, tired of putting up a pretense of interest in Dukel [sic] football, have left college sports for a higher purpose: the Olympics. In fact, they all made the U.S. track and field team and will be competing for the United States in the 50-kilometer race walk alongside good ol' Dukel graduate Curt Clausen.
Even before the race got underway, Brody "why did I smoke so much" Greenwald "before taking my head shot" and Greg "I still have nice pants" Pessin were arguing.
"What the hell, dude?" Brody asked. "Why do we need to cover Dukel people in the Olympics? It's so un-dude."
"Brody," Pessin replied, "we have an obligation to the community so in case they actually happen to be up at 3 a.m. and want to watch the race walk, they'll know that a Dukel alum will be in it."
"Whatever dude," Brody muttered while walking off, showing his head shot to all who feigned interest.
Meanwhile, Ray "I don't feel like picking this week" Holloman was at the starting line, ready to begin the race, when all of a sudden, he was paged by ESPN The Magazine to cover the scoop on Vanessa Webb, who, Chronicle sports has learned, was just charged with attempted murder for beating the Williams sisters over the head with her racket.
"Garbage," Holloman said.
But then he broke into a sprint after finding out that SAEs and the football team's fans (both of them) had followed him to Australia and were in hot pursuit. Luckily, he was able to club them to death with his ego.
Likewise, Steve "I love to" Wright "about DSG", was all ready to go with his new pair of sweatpants on, but got lured away at the last moment by his new buddy Jordan.
"Sweet," Brody said.
Unfortunately, Andrew "too many days out on the" Greenfield and Barrett "check out my" Peterson didn't make it out to the race. They thought the race was 18 hours later than it actually was, so they got left behind. "Stormin'" Norman "Omar" Bradley merely forgot to get on the plane.
The three of them decided to suit up with the marching band, figuring they had enough talent to make it.
"So what if the uniforms are slightly, um, un-masculine," Bradley said. "Hey, did you see my tent policy?"
"Let's get on with it," said Harold "bustin' a" Gutmann, who had a class to go to after the race. "Why does Brody always take so long to start these things?"
"Don't worry, Harold," Craig "gets slappy" Saperstein said. "We've finally got Chris Carrawell for the radio show!"
"Sweet," Brody said.
BOOM! And the Grid Pickers took off.
Kevin "I should be fired" Lloyd took an early lead in the race walk until Brody found him. The increasingly tyrannical sports editor pushed him down and told him to go finish his men's soccer feature.
"Sweet," Brody said.
Team Girl, headed up by Andrea "What's a free safety?" Bookman and Jaime "drove my Chevy to the" Levy kept on fighting over who would pick this week.
"Do you know anything about football?" Andrea asked Jaime.
Rounding out Team Girl was Sarah "I love the Asian Prince" McGill, who had to take a break to talk to Richard Vinroot and Mike Easley.
Neophyte of the week Adrienne "Kevin Lloyd doesn't get to choose my nickname" Mercer was busy bluelining a very poorly written men's soccer feature.
Regan "So" Tsu "me" refused to race walk. "I hate race walking, and will you make up your damn minds about what photo you want!!!!!"
After the race, Kevin "I love Bobby Knight" Lees wouldn't shut up about the rowing preview. "Folks, we really ought to run something on this. Their fall season starts in 10 days." he said.
"Doesn't everyone miss Neal...?" he asked, trailing off as Brody stuffed him in a trash can.
"Sweet," Brody said.
- By the Duke marching band, whose only talent seems to be spelling Duke correctly-in formation. Well, they're one up on us.
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