Separated at Birth: Spin City and the Editorial Page Staff of the Chronicle

In an attempt to rejuvenate the paper, R&R is pursuing a little project in cross-pollination. We've asked the editorial page staff-who happen to share an office with us-to write a review on the subject of their choice. It was a risk, because Lord knows they don't get out much, but we figured they couldn't do too much harm.

As it turned out, the review was terrible. Absolutely unprintable-and as avid readers of R&R know, we'll print just about anything. But the discussion beforehand, captured on a recorder left on by a clueless member of the Sports staff, was classic. Printed below is the text of that memorable debate.

But first a word or two about the cast of characters in our little mini-drama. Ed Thomas is the editorial page editor and guru-in-chief. Sam Chernawsky is the obnoxious staffer who drives everyone crazy with his incessant chatter. Jessica Moulton, a.k.a. "Scoop," is the token female of the group. Dean Thrasher is the token social conservative. Of the four of them, only the latter has any artistic ability whatsoever-though he's yet to master the art of perspective in his odd little political cartoons that appear on the pages whenever they need to fill space.

Without further ado, our story:

Jessica: I can't believe you didn't know what time or channel the show was on.

Ed: Hey, I knew it was on Tuesday, didn't I? So you've only got 8, 8:30, 9 or 9:30. Besides, I thought you would remember.

Jess: How should I know? I don't watch TV! This was the first time I'd ever seen "Spin City."

Dean: Hold it, you're helping us review it, and you've never seen it before?

D: I liked it. And I've seen it before. That way, we can add some validity to what we're saying.

S: Um, I....

E: (sarcastically) We liked it. Good, that's about a half an inch or so.... maybe Kat and Leslie could just run one of those monster headlines and lots of grainy photos from the web siteÉ

D: OK, OK. Well, I like it because I think it's pretty well-written.

J: It's a sitcom.

D: Well, yeah, but it's still well written. There are parts that are pretty clever, like the whole eye-patch thing tonight with what's his name, Paul. The guy who was on "Mad About You" for a while.

E: Don't look at me, I have no idea who the characters are. The eye-patch guy.

D: Yeah, the whole eye-patch giving the guy virility was pretty clever, you got to admit.

S: Um, I....

J: But there are parts that were completely predictable! Like when the woman reporter was going to interview the old-man goalie. You couldn't not know that he was going to fall over or die or something. I even said, "I bet he's going to fall over," and he did. That's not great writing, that's predictable.

E: "Couldn't not" is a double negative. We can't use that.

D: The woman was Michael J. Fox's girlfriend on the show. She got taken off her usual beat covering the mayor's office because her boss was afraid she might not be objective. So she's been assigned to lame human-interest stuff. But I'll agree that that part may have been a little predictable. But overall, the show's very well written. Look at the characters, for example.

J: OK, I'll go along with that. Most of the characters are pretty good. Like Carter-was that the gay guy's name? The one who worked in the mayor's office?

E: Yes, that's it. He was brought on board to make the mayor seem a little more responsive to New York's homosexual community after he had made a major gaffe in public.

D: (squirming) Why don't we talk about someone else? Let's talk about the mayor. He's a Reagan-esque sort of figurehead. You know, he sets the general tone, and then lets his staff do all the work.

J: Kind of like Ed, huh? Who volunteered us for this lousy job anyway?

E: (defensively) Hey, I thought this would be a fun staff-bonding experience! Besides, Spin City's kind of political, so I figured we wouldn't be totally out of our depth here. Work with me, guys.

J: (sighing) All right... back to Carter. I thought he was really well written. Still, maybe a little predictable-that whole gay activist thing is pretty obvious, but at least they didn't make him completely effeminate.

D: Hold on a second. Shouldn't we decide exactly how we're going to structure this review, before we start analyzing?

S: Um, I...

J: No. Of course not. Never have before.

E: Scoop's right. I'm just putting down ideas. We'll come back later and clean it all up so it makes sense. Remember, this is for R&R. Incoherence is an art form.

D: But until we have a main idea or some sort of focus... I just don't think we have much to work with.

E: "With which to work"-don't end a sentence with a preposition.

Dean and Jess in chorus: Yes, Mr. Editor!

E: I'm just following official Chronicle style. Get off my back.

D: But this is R&R-we're supposed to be free-thinking and artsy and stuff.

J: This from the boy who just got a crew-cut.

D: It was an accident! Not my fault!

E: Speaking of spiky-haired people, what did you think of the Stewart character?

S: Um, I...

J: I didn't think he was all that funny. He was too smug-just sat around and made fun of people.

D: That's odd. People say that about us.

J: Yeah, but we're always right.

E: Come on guys, back to the subject! Let's put our own spin on this thing and review it as a commentary on the state of New York politics.

J: Oh, get it? Spin... Spin City... Ed's thinking, he's a thinker!

S: Um, IÉ

D: Just one catch, none of us are from New York.

E: Minor point. None of us are constitutional lawyers either, but we pass judgment on their decisions all the time.

D: Where's Devin? He's from New York.

J: Our managing editor is probably somewhere with Kat right now.

E: Not a pretty thought.

D: An even less pretty thought is that this review is due in about 20 minutes.

E: Right. Any suggestions? We've got to wrap this up. Closing arguments, then a straw poll.

S: Um, IÉ

D: We need to say why people should watch the show. It's funny, it's got Michael J. Fox-

E: And the cute reporter chick.

J: Professional female reporter.

D: It's also got a lot of other funny people whose names we didn't get because someone made us miss the first five minutes of the show-wonder who that could have been?

E: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

D: The show's interesting, it provides a fresh perspective on politics-from the inside, trials and tribulation of running a major city on a day-to-day basis. We can use phrases like "on-going saga," which is always good.

E: "On-going saga," got it.

J: Ed, why haven't you contributed any to THIS on-going saga.

E: You can't say "this" in all caps, it's against style.

D: How did you know she was speaking in all caps?

E: Because this whole thing has been a big sham to fill a lot of space. Call the vote, and let's get out of here.

The editorial staff finally did turn in their column, many hours late. But we thought it'd be better to just make fun of them.