On Monday night, ESPN held its fourth annual sports awards ceremony. The network named its awards the ESPYs by simply replacing the "N" at the end of its name with a "Y." Since my name also ends with "n", I am going to use the ESPN award-naming technique and call my awards the Heineys.
So without further ado, here are the winners of the first annual Heiney Awards...
¥ Comeback Athlete of the Year: In awarding the ESPY in this category to Michael Jordan, comedian Bill Murray suggested that Jordan's return to the Chicago Bulls after a brief stint in minor league baseball was not as impressive or as dramatic as Monica Seles' return to the professional tennis circuit. Murray was right. While Jordan's unretirement helped rejuvenate the Bulls and the NBA, Seles' return to the top of the women's tennis world represented her triumph over the physical pain and psychological anguish of having been stabbed in the back by a crazed German fanatic.
¥ Track and Field Athlete of the Year: Noureddine Morceli is probably the world's most underrated athlete. In July, the Algerian middle-distance runner set the world record in the 1,500 meters and in the 2,000. Morceli already had run the fastest time ever in the mile and the 3,000 meters. And he even trains during Ramadan, the Islamic holy month during which he is required to fast from sunrise to sundown. Despite all his accomplishments, Morceli was not even nominated for an ESPY. He'll have to settle for a Heiney instead.
¥ Worst Grid Picker of the Year: This fall, Justin "sert my foot in my mouth" Dillon demonstrated his ineptitude as a sports prognosticator. Furthermore, he thinks he is really clever when he calls me "Heinenenenenen." I think he is wrong.
¥ College Football Player of the Year: The Heiney Awards appreciate winning and leadership. We on the Heiney committee give props to Christian Laettner for his instrumental role in the Duke men's basketball team's back-to-back national titles in 1991-92. Likewise, we feel that Tommie Frazier deserves an award for leading his Nebraska Cornhuskers to their second straight national championship this season. And at least Heiney has the same first syllable as Heisman.
¥ Person Who is Better Than the Award's Namesake at Everything Award: Todd Fuller can certainly play basketball better than I can (this isn't saying much, I guess). Since he has a 3.9 grade point average, I guess he is better at math than I am (Todd and I are both math majors). And Fuller even smiles more than I do. Gosh, now I feel bad about making fun of him when he looked clueless on the court when N.C. State played at Cameron his freshman year. I guess he can count his Heiney Award as a formal apology.
¥ The Juwan Howard Award: I couldn't think of a good enough name for this award, but it goes to-surprise-Juwan Howard, the power forward for the Washington Bullets. Besides being a fiery leader for the up-and-coming Bullets, Howard fulfilled his promise to his late grandmother by graduating from Michigan in four years, even though he left school after his junior year to enter the NBA draft. His hard work in correspondence classes are admirable and certainly worth of a Heiney.
¥ Worst Decision of the Year: Bullets' owner Abe Pollin decided that he wanted to rename his team, claiming that a name related to firearms was inappropriate for a franchise representing the nation's murder capital. The problem is that Pollin's decision was motivated more by a desire to make a profit from sale of merchandise sporting the new name. Furthermore, the proposed names-Wizards, Express and Sea Dogs-are stupid. At least the Bullets could have lobbied the National Park Service to allowed them to use the name Washington Monuments.
¥ Athlete of the Year: The ESPYs got this one right. Greg Maddux and cyclist Miguel Indurain both had phenomenal years (again), and both deserve honorable mention. But Cal Ripken proved that nice guys don't always finish last when he broke Lou Gehrig's consecutive game record on Sept. 6. His perseverance, hard work and dedication have served as an inspiration for people from all walks of life. Ripken's accomplishment is one of the greatest in the history of sports, and furthermore, he is the favorite athlete of the Heiney committee.
Well, those are this year's Heiney Awards. Winners can e-mail me at drheinen@acpub.duke.edu to claim their prizes. Hopefully they won't, though, since I haven't actually come up with any prizes yet.
David Heinen is a Trinity senior and associate sports editor of The Chronicle. As the lone member of the Heiney committee, he congratulates this year's Heiney Award winners.
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