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The Polish nightmare

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Tempe sets disturbing trend to host sporting events**

There will be many predictions this week as to who will lose Super Bowl XXX. Some people will look at recent tradition and expect the AFC's Steelers to lose big once again. Others will look at past tradition and say that the Steelers always dominate the Cowboys and will do so again. I, however, thumb my nose at tradition.

The real loser in this game is the city of Tempe, Arizona. Tempe, in the increasingly popular move of bidding for a large sporting event, has prostituted itself to the National Football League in order to host the Super Bowl.

They were denied the 1993 Super Bowl with the understood reason being that Arizona did not recognize Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday as a holiday. At the next election that problem was fixed and "Voila!" Arizona has a Super Bowl. While it is good that something forced Arizona citizens and government officials to recognize this great man with a holiday, it makes you wonder how far they would go. If the NFL said that they couldn't have a Super Bowl unless Barney had his own holiday, would they have set that referendum up immediately?

There is more, of course. In order to appease the NFL gods, Tempe has rushed highway construction, made 30,000 parking spots with helicopter shuttles and set up extra cell phone antennas, according to a January 7, 1996 article in the Denver Post. Arizona State's Sun Devil Stadium has been repainted and resodded and Sports Illustrated's "This Week's Sign That the Apocalypse is Upon Us" for the January 8, 1996 edition involves a report that most of ASU's classes on January 25th and 26th will be canceled because of the Super Bowl.

I need NFL green, actually.

Hmmmm. Don't have that one. How about if I just melt down thousands of one hundred dollar bills, I mean it's only taxpayer money, right?

Sounds good to me.

This trend has hit locally as well. In recent years Greensboro, Atlanta and Charlotte have been fighting over the rights to host the ACC men's basketball tournament. Greensboro has won most of the battles as it will host the 1996, 1997, 1998, 2002 and 2003 tournaments, while Charlotte was awarded the 1999, 2000 and 2001 tournaments.

Someone has to host these tournaments, but does it have to be at such an expense? According to a June 28, 1995 article in the Greensboro News and Record, the city has paid off a $163,284 deficit to cover pre- and post-tournament celebrations from last year's tournament. Guess where the city of Greensboro gets their money? That's right--taxpayers.

Raleigh has joined the hunt as it beat out Baltimore for the right to host the 1999 Special Olympics World Games. But this is refreshing as the city is actually reaching out its hand to help a group not centered around profits.

But why do I feel with all of this activity in North Carolina that my tuition will somehow be affected?

Dear Will,

We know that you graduated over three months ago, but due to the fact that North Carolina wants to host the Super Bowl in the future, your tuition has been retroactively raised. Please send in a check for $8,462 or we will send Billy Ray to repossess your diploma.

Sincerely,

Duke University

While we're on the subject of attracting major sporting events, why in this vast country of ours, do we locate the Olympics in the one place besides Texas where English has to be taught as a second language?

I hope y'all ain't gonna try nuttin funny down hee this summer.

What, was Miami leading Atlanta too much in murdered foreign tourists that we moved the Olympics there to even the score?

Since there seems to be no way of stopping this, I do have one scenario I would like to see come to life. Washington, D.C., should build a new stadium to host the 2,000 Flushes Tidy Bowl which will pit last place in the ACC against last place in the WAC. (This guarantees Duke a bowl appearance at least once every two years.)

In order to woo this matchup to D.C., city officials will hire a large number of artists and buy a great deal of porcelain to make the Beltway into a gigantic commode. So now instead of Washington, D.C., figuratively being referred to as a toilet bowl, it literally will be one.

William Dvoranchik is a Trinity senior and associate sports editor of the Chronicle. He will be hosting the 1996 Wiffle Ball World Championships at his apartment complex this April.