Every Monday I read over my column to get some feeling of accomplishment. On my way to read Monday, Monday I always stumble over the "Eating on Campus" column. Usually I chuckle at the ostentatious use of SAT vocabulary words and nonsensical goldfish metaphors (e.g. "the cheese was the color of a happy goldfish's torso,"). Normally I assume that the unexpected accolades conferred upon the less then edible and more than pricey food is the result of five subjects brought up on SPAM burgers and Chek Cola. This past week however, the laughing stopped.
It was feasible that someone could rate the Pub three and a half Rat Burgers, especially on a scale that was relative. It's inconceivable to give the East Campus Food Court three Rat Burgers though. At this point I took it upon myself to get the real scoop on fine dining around campus. Ergo, RAG's tour of on-campus eateries.
RAG organized a star-studded panel for this special food-tasting experience. The panelists were ASDU's ingenuous president Hardy Vieux, former rock star Elvis, controversial author Salmon Rushdie, and possible anti-Semitic scholar Leonard Jeffries. Guest panelist this week was Chronicle humorist and all around funny guy Danny Decillis. Each panelist suggested one place to review and RAG chose the three best entries: the Rat, the East Campus Food Court and the Pits.
Constipated? Need a remedy? Try the Food Court. Elvis tried the pita tuna melt. He sunk his teeth into this succulent delight that had been slowly toasted at just the right temperature to maintain maximum taste and ensure that his palate was highly satisfied. Hardy Vieux dined at the luxurious salad bar. His remarks following the meal, "Uh, Uh, It was decent I guess, but something's wrong. Something has to change, but I'm not sure what."
Salmon Rushdie went straight to the international cuisine section to determine how well the falafel stood up to real Mideastern fare. Unfortunately this caused quite a scene, as Leonard Jeffries blew up in a fit of rage accusing the Union workers of backing the obvious pro-Israeli coalition that undoubtedly profits from the sale of falafels.
The fight continued for about five minutes until all panelists realized that nature was calling. So we called it a night and decided to meet next time at the Rat. The panel gave the food court two Rat boogers. Danny Decillis was playing with his meat in the corner.
The Rat. This was an ugly scene. As soon as we walked in, Elvis and Danny Decillis were mesmerized by the Video jukebox machine in the corner that was on loan from the Upper East Side. Hardy, Salmon and Leonard were the only panelists that actually ate. Hardy ordered the ever-famous Rat burger. Hardy watched as the chef placed the finest cut of meat on the grill and proceeded to cook this culinary masterpiece to perfection. The smell emanated from the grill reminded the panelist of exquisite family barbecues he relished as a young tot. The taste just wasn't quite the same, however, as he commented, "Well, there's something missing. There has to be some sort of change, but I'm just not sure right now."
Dr. Jeffries thoroughly enjoyed his tender and golden-brown chicken strips. He then ventured over to Licks for some dessert. Again the controversial professor found himself in yet another confrontation. Jeffries was enraged when the DUFS worker put too much vanilla yogurt in his chocolate-vanilla swirl, an "obvious and blatant sign that the `ice people' had taken over the ice cream people.
Danny Decillis was chalking his cue on the pool table while listening to Wilson Philips songs on the video-jukebox. Overall, the Rat received one and a half Rat boogers.
The Pits. No surprises here. All the panelists went for all you can eat for $5.99 and had a smidgen of everything. We were nearly done with our first course when Elvis seemingly had a bad reaction to the seafood burito, hopped on the table and sang, "Heartburn Hotel."
After that episode, Dean Sue, Noah Bierman, Victor Strandberg, Janet Brown and Matthew Rotando strolled into the pits to do their weekly review. RAG eased over to listen to their critique of the food. For some odd reason, Bierman was writing down different quotes than what was actually said. Dean Sue initially commented, "This food's gonna tear up my rear." However, Bierman wrote down, "I really wish they served beer." Later, Professor Strandberg commented, "This grease is giving me the shits." Again, Bierman misquoted the panelist and instead wrote down, "You know, I really like the pits." Finally, Bierman misquoted Duke Postal Operator Janet Brown when she said, "This meal wreaks of dead fish." Bierman turned that quote into, "This has the color of a happy goldfish."
At any rate, the meal was a debacle. Between Elvis's singing and the mashed potato food fight featuring Salmon Rushdie and Leonard Jeffries, no one could really enjoy the evening. The food was no treat either, especially when Hardy pointed out that a meal at Banh's is half the price and half the grease. Hardy suggested something be done about this catastrophe, but offered no concrete ideas. Overall the pits also got two Rat boogers. Danny was caught doing his thing in the corner once again.
RAG hears that Crayola is thinking about introducing a new crayon color called "happy goldfish torso orange."
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