#

Monday, Monday

#

Be thankful for Amish, 'Webster,' irate letter-writers**

As you know, it's Thanksgiving time, and I thought I'd use this column to reflect on all the things I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful that the semester's winding down because, if you haven't noticed, I'm running out of things to rip on. I've just about exhausted my personal enemies list, I'm near the end of my people-that-I-don't know-but-whose-very-existence-pisses-me-off list, my people-who-I-don't-know-but-my-very-existence-pisses-them-off list, and my people-who-make-this-job-too-easy list. Now I'm forced to make fun of people that only annoy me slightly because I could swear they're looking at me funny.

I'm thankful for the Indians, who decided to sit down with the Pilgrims for the very first Thanksgiving after they came over on the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria. I'm also thankful they decided they didn't need all this land and would rather be mascots for professional sports teams and run casinos.

I'm thankful that Emmanuel Lewis told me to "Say no, then go and tell someone you trust."

I'm also thankful America got to see how much better Duke is then the rest of the Triangle schools. It was good to see chants like "Rasheed Can't Read" were thrown down the drain by the three Duke students who couldn't spell Krzyzewski on national television. (Of course, nine of 10 UNC students still can't spell Dean Smith.)

I'm thankful that I didn't show the girl of my dreams the "con" list of her bad qualities that my friends and I made when I couldn't decide between her and my Asian girlfriend. (Sorry, I get a little too emotionally involved in "Friends.")

I'm thankful I didn't jump on the Duke Football bandwagon last year.

I'm thankful that this campus is as lively as Amish country on the weekends, because it gives me lots of free time and peace and quiet to write my column.

I'm thankful for all the free publicity from people who write letters and editorials about what an evil person I am. If everyone I wrote two sentences about wrote a column, I'd be mentioned in The Chronicle almost as much as DGBLA head Seth Persily.

I'm especially thankful for the entire column Julian Thuan devoted to me, even if it was a thinly veiled threat to reveal my identity "with one subtle stroke of his keyboard." Ironically titled "Just relax," Julian obviously couldn't. Julian, like 6000 other undergrads, knows who I am. That deduction is almost as clever as his column; my identity is about as hard to figure out as the secret square on "Hollywood Squares." Ooh, please don't tell people who I am. Julian must be jealous of my anonymity, because if anyone should be embarrassed to put their name on a column, it's him. "With one subtle stroke of his keyboard" he seems to be able to do something I can't--put the entire campus to sleep.

MONEY SHOT would like to remind you about Duke's "graduation requirements:" sex in the stacks, doming, driving around the traffic circle backwards, sex in the gardens, tunneling and hooking up with this semester's Monday, Monday.