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More words than usual

(05/01/17 5:25am)

The bylaws of The Chronicle's opinion section state that each article must be at least 800 words long. As the moral ombudsman of this esteemed publication, I feel that 800 words is simply too long for a satirical article. My humor machine is working on full blast, and I’m afraid I'm running out of fuel. Therefore, in protest of this authoritarian minimal length, I am simply going to slam my face on the keyboard until it hits 800 words.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2017/05/more-words-than-usual

I defeated Brodhead atop the Chapel as a resume-builder

(03/03/17 9:01am)

Some days, I just can’t stand Duke and its elitism and constant muddling administrative bureaucracy. I have spent countless hours and dollars on this institution and they never, ever give anything back to me. I was at the Blue and White Senior dinner, where Duke expects seniors to donate money, and I was searching for Brodhead so I could talk to him about the whole donation process. I searched for him all night—ostensibly this is his event—and he was nowhere to be found.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2017/03/i-defeated-brodhead-atop-the-chapel-as-a-resume-builder

Wild West Union

(02/17/17 5:35am)

Here we go again. Every day, I feel as though I have to deal with annoying people on campus. Either leaving from class or just trying to get some West Union noodles, someone decides they have to bother me. One day I just want to walk across the bridge without Wild Coyote Jones challenging me to a duel at high noon.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2017/02/wild-west-union

I went abroad and can't stop cuffing my pants!

(02/03/17 7:11am)

Abroad really changed me. I don't mean it changed me like it changed Beth Anne in your Psych class who went to Italy and now is "like super into wine." I mean that I simply can't stop cuffing my pants to a point where I might as well buy capris. It must've been something I ate there because all the other guys I saw had a hard triple cuff on both pant legs, and now I too am trapped rolling my jeans up to show off my ankles and my new all white shoes. You might say, "Nick, why don't you just not cuff your pants." But I can't. It's not a routine like brushing my teeth, and it's not an addiction like meth; this is just a part of who I am.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2017/02/i-went-abroad-and-cant-stop-cuffing-my-pants

Jurassic 2016

(01/20/17 10:54am)

At the stroke of midnight on Jan. 1 2016, I was cast into a time vortex that spiraled me back into time to the Jurassic Period. So next time you say 2016 was bad, let me tell you it’s not that bad. Yes it does suck that Donald Trump is in charge of the country, but you know who is in charge of the Jurassic? The f*****g Tyrannosaurus Rex. Perhaps you’ve heard of him from the famous hit TV series “Barney the Dinosaur” or from the Universal Studios “Jurassic Park” ride.

https://www.dukechronicle.com/article/2017/01/jurassic-2016