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Transcriptions of very real conversations overheard during rush events

satire from Recess

<p>Totally real quotes from totally real conversations.</p>

Totally real quotes from totally real conversations.

For my senior thesis*, I have decided to study the vocal aberrations that are normalized during rushing season. Below are standout quotes from varying rush events. It seems there is more to worry about than we may have imagined.**

*I am lying. This is a joke. 

**This part is not a joke. 

Fraternities:

“What tier is this one?”

“When you tuck your sweats into your socks, how high do your socks have to be so you don’t cross the line into looking stupid?”

“Sucks man, you only mix with the lame sororities.”

“I’m suffering from crippling anxiety and a lack of identity, so I feel I need this community of people to survive, even though we’ll never express these emotions out loud.”

“What tier is this one?”

“I’m drinking because we’re all drinking, but also, I’ve forgotten how to communicate without being drunk.”

“What major are you? I’m econ.”

“You know I still say the n-word in Kendrick Lamar’s songs. He shouldn’t have written them if he didn’t want us to say them.”

“Aren’t you failing your classes?”

“What does ‘no’ mean? Is a drunk ‘no’ the same as an actual ‘no’? How do I read her signs?”

“Post-‘My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy’ Kanye is, like, the genesis of music, bro.”

Sororities:

“Is there a theme?”

“Sequins are for winners.”

“You know, joining this sorority, I really feel like I can change the system from within. You know what I mean?”

“These girls are, like, my best friends. Best. Friends.”

“Are you a small in Zara’s or Old Navy? Those are two completely different things.”

“My granbig’s big sister once removed is actually related to my big.”

“You know that line in ‘The Help,’ ‘You is smart, you is kind, you is important’? I felt that.”

“What size do you wear? 0 or 00?”

“We are just a group of authentic sisters who want to embrace our womanhood! Despite our internalized belief in strict, class-based standards of beauty that we then push onto each other, we genuinely are sisters!”

Selective Living Groups:

“Wait, this isn’t a Greek rush event? Could have fooled me.”

“No, I want to make real friends.”

“If I wear a choker, which SLG does it look like I belong in?”

“What does group-think mean?”

“Chunky black doc martens with plaid pants or overalls over a white shirt? Both?”

“Have you read Marx? We like to party but that doesn’t mean we’re not intellectuals.”

“Do I like everyone in my SLG? It’s not about liking them, it’s about vibing with them.”

“Social justice is our bread and butter. I mean, there aren’t required volunteer hours, but once you join us you’ll feel like you’re a part of the change.”

“But they still throw parties right?”

“What stickers do you have on your laptop?”

Independents (murmuring to themselves in a corner):

“I like making my own friends. You know, like, real, authentic friendships.”

“I met all my friends during O-Week. Do I really know them? Are we really friends? As long as it looks like it, who cares?”

“I love Duke!”

“What’s even the point of partying and drinking. Okay, so what if that’s just some people’s preferred way of de-stressing. I think it’s stupid. Why can’t they just play chess, or watch a movie. Wait, what do you mean you can do both. Pft. Impossible. Humans aren’t dynamic.”

“Season three, episode 13, 20 minutes 29 seconds into ‘The Office.’ That’s my favorite line.”

“I eat alone in my room. It’s good, you know, clear your mind, peaceful.”

“I hate Duke!”

“My real friends are back home.”

“It’s better to be independent. It’s more like the real world, anyway. It’s not like the real world is full of selectivity and you’ll have to inevitably join a group as a natural part of human behavior. Nope! The real world is full of individual freedom.” 

“Haha, too bad you have somewhere to be every weekend. I, on the other hand, have endless time for opportunity.”

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