I get it. Not everyone can understand why two, 250-pound bulldozers would run full speed into each other for the sake of a pigskin filled with air. I mean, why is it that Sunday, the day of rest (or let’s be honest, homework) is instead stereotypically defined by masses of men crowding around the TV with wings and nachos in hand? Well, today I hope to give all of you non-sports lovers a crash course on how to sound intelligent and interested during this upcoming Super Bowl.
The Game Itself
So, just like basically every other sport on this earth (okay, except golf) more points means you win. It’s easy. All you have to do is get the football … Wait right, the football is an ellipsoid (egg-shaped) ball made of leather that, no matter how it hits the ground, always seems to bounce in a direction no one was hoping for. Disclaimer: it looks nothing like a foot, nor do you kick it, except in the event of field goals, kick-offs, punts … actually you do seem to kick it a bit in the game. Anyway, I digress. You want to get that football into the end zone in order to get points for your team, a.k.a "a touchdown." You can either throw the ball or run it to do so. Since using a standard system of one point or two points is overrated, the inventors decided that touchdowns would be worth a whopping six points. Naturally, then you kick the ball into the big four; or is it maybe a capital Y? I’m not sure, but that gives you one point. Or three points if you didn’t already score a touchdown. Easy, right? I could go on to explain to you the numerous defensive formations, offensive plays named after exotic animals and beaches we stormed during WWII, but I’d rather stick to the basics here. Simply put: Ball in end zone = score. More points = win. Thanks, math!
The Art of Watching
You don’t have to be an expert to appear knowledgeable of the game. You can use social cues to determine when to get excited or angry. People seem to have a habit of embracing their animalistic nature when a man unexpectedly gets hit by a truck, I mean player, so feel free to yell “OHHHHH” or jump up and down if something like this happens.
Pick one team to root for and don’t get caught cheering for both sides because you will look like a bandwagon fan. You will be kicked out of the room, and you will be shamed from the sport for life. Keep your commentary vague. “The defense appears weak.” “They can’t stop that guy.” “This game is too close for comfort.” Trust me, all the announcers are saying the same things that you are. Also, feel free to knock over the chip bowl if people seem mad about the game. That’s happened almost every time that I’ve been to a Super Bowl party.
Maintaining Conversation
You may begin to realize that football games have quite a bit of downtime. There’s only 60 minutes of play, but with the play clock running down there’s usually about 11 minutes of actual action in a football game (I swear this is not a made up number). At this time, it may be necessary to talk about how you played football in high school, say something believable like you were a cornerback … no, not a quarterback, a cornerback. You guarded the wide receiver, plain and simple. Logically, you had a career-ending ACL tear and, ever since, you’ve stuck to just watching. You’re bound to have three to five other people explain their nearly identical circumstances. Or maybe you want to sound up-to-date with the teams. This is an easy one. Crack a joke about the Patriots deflating footballs, maybe quoting Jimmy Kimmel with "Attorney Gloria Allred is now representing nine of the 11 balls Tom Brady allegedly squeezed." Or when someone asks you a question that you don’t know the answer to, claim that you are running back Marshawn Lynch refusing to answer questions by the media. Everyone will laugh and forget about the initial inquiry. If you’re desperate, stand up and scream, “I’m the best corner!” like Richard Sherman. It may surprise you how no one will question such an outburst.
The Commercials and The Halftime Show
A 30 second commercial costs $4.5 million at the Superbowl. That is more than 90 times the average amount an American household makes per year. They better be good. Even still, it’s easy to get into the compulsive Super Bowl gambling mode by betting on whether the first commercial will be a car or beer commercial. Seriously, it’s almost never been anything else. On a side note, I highly encourage you to stay tuned for the halftime show with Katy Perry and Lenny Kravitz leading the way. Hey, the next wardrobe malfunction could be on its way.
The End of the Game
Whether it is the closest game in the world or a blowout of epic proportions, it is an unspoken rule to remain until the end. That’s right, hold in your pee and forget about any last minute assignments that you realized you forgot to submit because you’re making it to the last snap. Some will cry, some will cheer, but most probably don’t have their team in this game, so it’s easy to merely be indifferent. Make sure to thank your host and get out of there quick before fantasy prospects for next season start getting debated. Trust me, that’s a whole other conversation that you are clearly not equipped to handle.
If you follow these basic principles, I promise that you will not be the most qualified Super Bowl analyst, but you’ll be sufficiently adequate. That’s what you were going for, I assume.
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