I can talk to my best guy friend about almost anything. We come to each other for advice, hang out a decent amount outside of class, and have a great time when we’re out with friends. We have developed a really great friendship over the past few months, one in which we’re honest with and respect each other. I’ve just got one problem.
To him, I’m ‘"dude".
A lot of times, when we're talking, he'll get excited about something, either the result of a football game or how well he did on an exam he had taken earlier that week or how fun a party was last night.
"Dude, Jordan Matthews played like a savage last night."
"I swear to God, dude, the average on my Math exam was a 93 and I got five points higher—it was sweet."
"Dude. I feel dead this morning. I was up until four last night and had an 8:30 class on West this morning. But it was so worth it."
Now, since I'm American and don't live under a rock, I'm fully, fully aware of how prominent the use of the word "dude" is. Urban Dictionary calls it "the universal pronoun", "a name for anyone", and a word that can mean "absolutely anything at all"*. A quick google search reveals, though, that it's a word that originally referred to city-dwellers and, later, surfers—that is, men. Historically, the term is used most often by young men in reference to other young men. A linguistics study on 'dude' revealed that, for young men, the term "indexes [a] stance of cool solidarity" with other young men.
The problem I have with being "dude" is how it is applied to women, no matter how broad Urban Dictionary or anyone else claims the term to be. Illustratively, I can't imagine any of my guy friends going up to a girl he likes and saying, "Hey, dude, can I take you out to dinner on Friday?" or "You look great tonight, dude!" Regardless of whether or not Urban Dictionary calls it "the universal pronoun", a man using "dude" in reference to a woman has a different connotation than him using it in reference to another man.
My point is that, based on my observations, in order for a girl to be called "dude", she has to achieve a certain kind of relationship with her male friend—a relationship wherein she is seen as a respected and trusted friend and equal, a female friend in whom he can confide as much as he does with a male friend. The friend I mentioned before and I can talk about nearly anything, from girls he likes to guys I like to sports and classes and more. We talk about things that friends, regardless of gender, talk about. Yet the word used to describe his friendship with me is one connoting masculinity.
I'm not arguing that men should use a masculine word to refer to a woman in whom he's interested, nor am I arguing that all men treat women they're attracted to with a lower level of respect. I'm not arguing that the term is inherently offensive and should be abolished—as if that would ever happen!. I am, however, arguing that one shouldn't equate a respected friend with maleness.
This sentiment is echoed in many other ways. A group of my girl friends and I have spoken about how our close male friends refer to both us and their closest male friends as "bros". I've spoken to other girls about how a guy who becomes close friends with a girl takes a step down—is "friend-zoned"—and a girl who becomes friends with a guy takes a step up—becomes a "bro".
While this is far from the most important issue that concerns women or the population in general, I believe it’s indicative of a certain dynamic that unfairly puts women and men on unequal footing. Think before you "dude".
Mary Ziemba is a Trinity freshman. This is her first column of the semester.
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