Why senior year scares me

Senior year is not about me. Not really. I have a full class schedule. I juggle two jobs and Duke University Improv (DUI). I need to figure out that whole future thing. But the actual spirit of senior year is not about me at all. The spirit of my senior year is to actively shape the Duke experience for all the new babies in my organizations, which is a scary responsibility, honestly.

As seniors, every rule we set for our groups, every expectation, every event we organize, every responsibility we delegate, every compliment and critique shapes the beginning of each freshman’s Duke experience. This impacts how they feel about Duke, and how they feel about themselves.

This discovery became clear over my fall break trip for DUI, and reflections on my freshman year in the group.

The upperclassmen played a big role in shaping my Duke experience when I first got here. This is because, more often than not, they run the group from which you attain many of your milestones, and they represent the already-adjusted barometer on how adjusted you are to Duke life. Some, perhaps most, of my favorite milestone moments at Duke were the simplest of interactions I had with older kids in DUI.

I can remember them all perfectly—the first time I made a senior crack up with a line about “broccolini," when one of the guys told me in the Great Hall (rest in peace) how much he appreciated my work ethic, the first time I pitched a video idea for Countdown to Craziness and I saw it all click in their eyes. These countless examples mark critical, personal moments of growth and discovery. Every show, party and practice from that time is vivid in my head. I can recall exactly where we were and who said what. From time to time, I recall these moments, the specific words, and I feel both inspired and overwhelmingly nostalgic. They shaped my spiritual journey at Duke, and, whether or not I would like to, I carry them with me everywhere I go.

In this way, I am scared to be a senior. I know that everything I say and do has the potential to color major experiences for a freshman, and even the potential to create enduring memories they will carry with them forever. It sounds magnanimous, I know, but it’s possible. It happened to me.

This new semester and over this past fall break, I kept these thoughts in mind. I build up and perform every tradition or prank to be as big as possible. I speak my mind when they do something that makes me laugh or makes me admire them. Think of me as a new mom. My kids were experiencing their first real Christmas and I wanted them to feel the magic as much as possible. I wanted their eyes to open wide and for them to feel like their new world was too big for words and that deep, deep down, they knew there were big things in store for them. I wanted them to feel important and that coming to Duke, and joining DUI, was everything they could have dreamed and more.

I actively hope to maximize that magical, freshman wonderment for them—or at least save it. I suppose a great part of me has completely lost that feeling, where simply seeing the Chapel on your walk from doing work was all the inspiration you needed to keep going. I am sure the walls and cranes do not help this. I am also sure that this is the natural course of things, and I am confident that Duke is just as important to me as ever.

Is that not weird to think about? That any interaction you have with someone today, especially for underclassmen, can become a memory they will keep with them forever?

Rence Nemeh is a Trinity senior. His column runs every other Friday.