To whom it won’t concern

This is likely the 100th cover letter you have read today. In fact, as you are reading this you are wondering if it’s time for a coffee break already. But before you use my carefully crafted letter as a coaster, let me tell you why you should keep on reading.

Because I am the one you have been looking for. You may not have thought so when you glanced over the razor-thin slice of my life they call a resume or noticed that I have not, in fact, successfully launched a very lucrative jump-start company at the age of 20. Despite all of this, I am confident that after flaunting my virtues in an overly gracious manner, you will think I will make the perfect intern.

Let me begin by saying that I am extremely passionate about filing very useful pieces of paperwork such as philanthropy invitations. In fact, during my internship at a well-known firm last year, my supervisor commended me for my ability to recall the alphabet at any given time and then subsequently place papers in that order. My role was extremely vital to the daily operations of that office. But I must say that my shining moment, the moment when I am sure I finally made my boss proud, was when I remembered to store an extremely confidential document in my classified filing cabinet which had thankfully not been emptied for the day.

I am also quite a delight to have at the office. This is especially true when you have highly esteemed and wealthy clients come in to discuss possible investment options. There is a special trick I can do that involves attempting to say a very cordial and heartfelt greeting in your client’s native tongue. Only this greeting does not always end up being very cordial, or intelligible. I can almost always guarantee that it will result in uncontrollable fits of laughter for both you and your client. I can also guarantee that me smiling uncomfortably will only add to the hilarity of this situation.

In addition to these attributes, I also possess skills that will make me a highly qualified candidate. These include cleaning the office floor when you accidentally lose control while walking and spill your Wendy’s milkshake, staying on the line with an angry customer as he yells very helpful comments into the phone. Also picking up your dry cleaning … and your mail and your meds from the pharmacy because, well, they’re right next door! Oh, and did I forget to mention coffee? I absolutely love to make and/or retrieve coffee! Even in the pouring rain and lightning outside! As I drive your extremely expensive car and have to parallel park for the first time in my life! These are the things I was born for, or at least that’s what I’m sure the astrologer told my parents.

While applying for this job, others may have alluded to lifelong dreams, ultimate goals, life-and-death situations, et cetera. My motivation, however, is a bit different. I was just 9 years old when I came to New York City for the first time. My family and I decided to go see the historic Statue of Liberty. Only we got terribly lost and ended up wandering around the city instead. That was when I saw it. The building with the company’s name on it in brilliant, glossy letters; it was like a monument to me. I knew right then and there that I wanted to one day work for your company.

Actually, let me just be honest with you. This might be my last summer of freedom before I sign away my soul to a company or school for the next phase of my life. I dread the prospect of waking up at the wee hours of the morning to take a taxi, bus or subway every day for three months. I would give anything to wear flip flops instead of heels to work. And above all, I despise small talk. Maybe someday I won’t be judged by the numbers I produce or how well I can sell myself in 600 words.

Until then, I thank you for taking the time to read my letter of interest. And before you toss it aside in the large pile of letters next to you, I would just like to remind you that if you had hired me, you would have had your coffee five minutes ago.