The Phallus: $20 Per Hour

As my senior year comes to a close, it is time for me to finally start thinking about The Real World—please MTV, hire me. So far, it does not look good, so I have begun to search for a new calling. If spring break has taught me anything, it’s that I like sex with strangers and I don’t have any money. There seems to be only one solution to this problem. It’s time for me to get involved in the world’s oldest profession.

This is my official listing as a male escort. Let’s take a quick look at my resume. First of all, I’m a self-made man having worked my way from the bottom to the top. That said, I am willing to go on bottom again, especially when I get tired. My best work experience came this past summer when I interned at GoldManSacks. Lastly, I’m proficient with Microsoft Office, Final Cut Pro and reverse cowgirl.

With a resume like that, many would say I am overqualified to just walk the streets, and I would agree. That’s why I’m not going to be just any man-whore willing to screw the wife while the husband sits in the corner watching. I want to be wined and dined, you know, real high-class like. I aspire to be the male Belle from Secret Diary of a Call Girl. In this last episode, she actually hired a male escort just for “research.” Psych Department, will this count towards my research methods course? Turns out, this male escort got his start at “uni.” Well I got my start in elementary school, when that babysitter…I don’t want to talk about it, but it sounds like I’m already on the career path.

It’s too bad Heidi Fleiss abandoned her idea of a stud farm. At one point Mike Tyson supposedly was on board. How the hell could I compete with Mike Tyson in a line-up? “Excuse me ma’am, would you like to be sexual ravaged by the little white boy or the huge, monstrous, tattoo-faced black man?” Who would you choose? “I’ll take the short kid who looks like Jude Law, if Jude Law was thrown through the windshield of a car.”

This summer, a gem of a flick came out entitled The Girlfriend Experience. Well ladies, I bring you The Silk Experience. Seeing as I have no car, the day begins with you picking me up at my house. Then we stand in my backyard and yell for a while. We then manically walk around campus. I’ll tell you horrible jokes, then we’ll hit the bar. I’ll black out, try to grope you, but you’ll be OK with it because “he’s harmless,” and that’s when I pass out and pee on you. I’m charging one dollar per hour, plus food and booze.

If the full Silk Experience isn’t your thing, I’m going to have to insist on some sort of kinky role playing. Why hire someone for sex if you’re not going to get real weird about it? That’s like hiring someone to burn down your house, and they only burn down the garage. You have to spread the heat all over the place. Hopefully there’s minimal burning in the morning. Either way, drink some cranberry juice just to be sure. Should you want to role play, keep in mind what I am suited for. NBA star? No. Jockey? Yes. Frankenstein sex? No. Leprechaun sex? Yes.

If you’re in need of some loving and have $20, please dial (781) 223-111# and ask for the Silk Shamrock. You can also find me, under the same name, in Second Life. Seriously. I like to hang around Orgy in the Forest. I like to cuddle too, less of a spooner and more of a nooker though.