This may be a bit surprising, given who the only president to have been a movie star was, but Hollywood and conservatives just don't get along, with liberal themes dominating films from Milk to Good Night and Good Luck. Seeking to rectify the imbalance, AOL News columnist Matt Lewis has offered three right-leaning movie ideas. The most entertaining by far is "Witness", which involves a writer during the early Cold War who catches a Communist spy with the aid of papers hidden in a pumpkin. N0, really, that actually happened. You'd think nothing here at dear old Duke could compete with that, but Lewis's third idea is everyone's favorite event from recent Blue Devil history:
The Duke Lacrosse scandal was sobering [sic] look at the politics of race, gender, and class in the 21st Century...it still has blockbuster potential.
Lewis even suggests Kelsey Grammar for the role of Mike Nifong and, somewhat optimistically, predicts he'd win an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. Why stop there, though? With the right movies, the 2014 Academy Awards could be a Duke sweep.
Best Foreign Film: Vzdycky, tam Scola ("Always, There Was Scola")—In the tradition of Kafka, this Czech entry explores the ruined idealism and increasing existential madness of young television anchors who realize their fate is to appear on Duke Cable at 11 a.m. on Saturdays for students who (a) are nursing hangovers or (b) have forgotten to pay their cable bill.
Best Documentary Feature: K: The Movie, a dramatic reading of highlights from Coach K's books, earned high marks despite some complaints that it was repetitive ("Enough with the fist already"—Roger Ebert's cryogenically preserved head). Reviewers were especially impressed with Dick Vitale's cameo and Coach K's scowl in the IMAX version.
Best Visual Effects: typotopia wins the award for its lavish depiction of a futuristic world in which all capital letters have been abolished. The film marks miriam cooke's directing debut.
Best Original Song: The Academy made a historic exception in this category. The Pledge Week Movie took home the honor, even though the song involved wasn't original. Explained one Oscar voter, "Getting 500 sorority girls to sing 'Don't Stop Believin'" in unison would've been very impressive even if they weren't plastered."
Best Actress: Halle Berry picks up her second Oscar in this category for her portrayal of Oprah Winfrey in Commence This, a drama about the Duke Graduation Hostage Crisis of 2009, when Oprah, a key ally of then-President Barack Obama, was kidnapped by former GM executive Rick Wagoner, still upset over Obama dismissing him from General Motors, and a few other rogue trustees. The scene in which Oprah saves Dr. Phil (Philip Seymour Hoffman) and the Navy SEAL team sent to rescue her is perhaps the most compelling of the year.
Best Actor: Carrot Top crowns a surprisingly successful venture into serious acting with an award for his title role in Munger, the epic story of the Duke professor who won a shocking upset in the 2010 U.S. Senate election after incumbent Sen. Richard Burr fell out of the Cape Hatteras lighthouse during a photo op. Highlights of Mr. Top's performance include his portrayal of Sen. Munger's filibuster of the asparagus tongs industry bailout and the deal, brokered by Munger during the 2012 presidential campaign, that catapulted Vin Diesel into the White House.
(Columnist's note: This is my final post on the Backpages. If you want to read more of my semi-insightful opinions, you need a life and probably also psychiatric intervention. Until you get those, you can read my blog at thebigditz.blogspot.com, which I may get around to updating after LDOC when I actually have time to do so.)
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